Man with stockpile of bottled piss looking forward to meeting election candidates

Retired bread man Terry Cluskey has let it be known that should any politicians responsible for the Celtic Tiger (or indeed the end of the Celtic Tiger) call to his door they’ll be getting a shower of golden amber for their troubles.

Septuagenarian Terry still has a store of his own water by the door that he didn’t get to use during the 2011 canvassing season.

Gently swishing an amber Coke bottle so it began to fizz, Mr. Cluskey explained,

“I keep the lid semi screwed on as the arthritis has me hands that bit weaker in the clench these days. There was a scarcity of FF canvassing the last time out so I’ve a backlog in the toilet under the stairs there.”

Mr. Cluskey demonstrated how he would engage with any candidate.

“The door only opens a wee bit. I’ve a chain across it at all times see ‘cos of the burglars what do be around. They’d rob the wheels off a miscarriage, no word of a lie. I do do a drill on a Tuesday when the grandchilderhin call over.

“I can get 80% of it through the gap in the door now on the first go. The collateral splatter is worth it. And sure it’s me own piss anyway. It’s not as if I haven’t dribbled on me fingers the over the years. I’ve plenty more where that kem from too.”

Mr. Cluskey explained how he graded his urine by party.

“The darkest, piss crystal ones are for FF. Then I’ve got The Party Formerly Known as Labour, the Blueshirts and the PDs should any of them crawl out of the woodwork now thee say things are improving and that. The brother says I shouldn’t discriminate between them and this Renua bunch and it would be a shame to waste all my work – you have to strain at my age you know.”

Cluskey was dismissive of Direct Democracy Ireland.

“A right bunch of lunatics but I wouldn’t throw anything at them. They’d folly ye down the street to scream at you. Any fool can read the Constitution but not every fool can understand it.

“A priest told me once you should never vote for a party with the name of the country in it. If they have to confirm what country they’re in they’re in the wrong game and are likely to start a war… or worse again, he said.”

A life long supporter of Sinn Féin, Terry has high hopes for a local lass Imelda Munster.

“Imelda’s great. She says what they tell her to say with conviction. I’ve been a fan for years. The brother spent the last week putting pictures of her head on the lingerie models in the Aldi and Lidl catalogues. One for me and one for him. We look after each other, the current Government won’t.”


The Cluskey Brothers
Terry Cluskey (left), and his brother Johnny (right).

Mr. Cluskey’s brother Johnny, who lives with him, mostly agreed with Terry but differed when it came to FF. He favoured a SF-FF coalition.

“Yeah they ruint the economy again, but they did manage to get rid of most of the young people so crime is going down. And so are new ideas, which is good ‘cos I’ve been less of a fan of change over the years.

“And I love when the nieces and nephews do bring us the latest Wranglers home from America so in a way I’m glad they’ve moved back to their traditional policy of encouraging emigration.

“But FF, they’re not making enough of these positive developments. They remind me of the fine looking gossan going out with a dowdy lass; settling for the guaranteed ride, not pushing himself.”

Johnny doesn’t approve of Terry’s methods.

He seen all that piss throwing in a movie about the North with Brad Pitt and he’s been dying to do it since. Take no heed of him. He’s like all those keyboard warriors you do see on Drogheda Life. Givin’ it loads on tinternet but shy as a blushing boy when you meet them.”

The General Election will take place on Friday 26 February.