Since changing his name from Peter Fitzpatrick to #TeamFitzer, pronounced hashtagTeamFitzer (no spaces), Dundalk’s finest gun club lobbyist has been enjoying unparalleled success on the canvass.
Deputy #TeamFitzer spoke to The Faa Side about the importance of the canvass.
“The canvass is an integral part of the human psyche so it is. People have the most important decision of their lives to make in the next few weeks. I am that decision. I, #TeamFitzer.
“I’ve been out doing some great canvassing so I have. I’ve had a maaavelous reception from good, haad working people. Good, honest, haadworking people who’ve benefitted from austerity.
“Me and Fergus we work well as a team so we do. We’re singing from the same hymn sheet. I don’t need to remind you how much I love Louth but I will if it’ll get me re-elected. I still have nightmares about that day in Croke Park in 2010.
“Sometimes when I’m on the canvass people ask me why I’m wincing and I just tell them it’s a flashback to the Leinster Final and they invite me in for a cup of tea and some austerity biscuits. That’s when I reel in the votes. I care about my constituents.”
The Dundalk reared man for all seasons has been accused in the past of wearing identities to suit his agender. Last year he famously flirted with transgenderism to secure the FG nomination in the face of gender quota pressure. This year he has been accused of pandering to the youth vote with his new hashtag handle.
“I don’t pay heed to any of that clap trap. I am who I am so I am.”
The bookies have #TeamFitzer at 2/5 (Boyle Sports) while Paddy Power have him 1/2.
“I’ve been saving a €100 a week since I got elected so I have a personal election war chest of €25,000. Nobody is outgunning Fitzer so they’re not. Not even Gerry Adams.”
With the backing of Louth’s powerful gun club lobby behind him, it’d take a fool to punt against Fitzer.