The Government is using subtle mind control techniques to politically groom children from an early age claim senior sources at Ireland’s most radical party, Direct Democracy Ireland.
The discovery was made after a group of toddlers began forming politically motivated statements with their tea.
“Normlly Chantelle will struggle to string together C-A-T or B-A-L-L on a good day so I was astounded when she had spelt out TELL DADDY TO PAY THE WATER CHARGES,” said party member and mammy Vicky in an exclusive interview with The Faa Side.
“We had tree of her little friends over for a play date and we gev them some Alphabehi Spaghehi and toast for tea. It’s littrilly unbelievble the lents that the Govermint’ll go to to stay in power.”
Quick thinking Vicky wasted no time in photographing the plates of the other children; 18-month old Mason and 2-year-old twins Jackson and Briony. She was shocked to see even more political slogans. Between them, the twins had mustered up VOTE FINE GAEL AND LABOUR KIDS as well as FAIR PLAY TO THE TROIKA.
While Vicky thought it unlikely that the twins’ grasp of the current political and economic situation would allow them to formulate such complex ideas she did concede that their father had brains as he’d ‘done the Leaving.’
“I was going to call the Guards but then I remembered they’re just the lackeys of Irish Water so I didn’t bother me hole.”
Vicky then showed us a plate with DENIS O’BRIEN IS REALLY SOUND written on it, the work apparently, of 18-month-old Mason.
“Just look at Mason, sure he can’t even talk so he can’t and he spends half the day smelling his bum finger. There’s no way he could’ve writ that. No way. It’s a joke so it is.”
A spokesthug for Direct Democracy lambasted the Government for its role in the sordid affair.
“Enda Kenny and Joan Burton should be hauled before the courts for this. But the elitist legal profession would let them off and award costs against the concerned citizen.
“Under our manifesto for Government, we propose to abolish the current judicial system and replace it with five random lads who’d decide what’s right and what’s wrong. Simple as. Kenny and his Labour traitors would be locked up and the keys swallied. No doubting it. Labour! Labour! Labour! Out! Out! Out!”
Local Minister Ged Nash denied that his party was secretly controlling Ireland’s production of Alphabetti Spaghetti with the sinister intent of brainwashing children into voting Labour. Government colleague and Photoshopped housewives favourite Fergus O’Dowd also scoffed at the idea, though he would, being in the Government and all.