All the local news from around your area.
Walking Football in Bettystown
The FAI have teamed up with Bettystown Concerned Mothers Association to bring a new form of physical activity to the poorer, soccer playing area of the village. Walking football is just as the name implies, a slower version of soccer with bans on running and tackles and more of a focus on the grooming and histrionic sides of the game.
It is part of a municipal plan to integrate and gentrify poorer sections of the community granted council houses in the area by careless urban planners. It is hoped that the next generation of will be trusted enough to try the past time of horse riding – where you sit on a horse and the horse moves for you. The ultimate goal being polo, a combination of the two.
Four rake shops open in Termonfeckin
Sometimes you can’t get enough of a good thing. After years of not having a rake shop in the village, four open at once. Rakes was first to open followed by EuroRakes at the back of An Grianan and now More Rakes is open for business at the bridge there. Rent a Rake was opened this week by bearded twins Gary and Alan Keery who charge €17 to rent a rake and rake up leaves they spill onto the floor of their rake rental shop.
Clogherhead legal news
Divorce or separate from your cousin in weeks. A new service that doesn’t involve solicitors and barristers has opened in Clogherhead on the only main street there. You can save your family thousands of euro once the zest has gone from your incest. Contact Amanda at Clogherhead Divorce and Separations for a quote.
Cartown Hay Bales for Sale
Paddy at the big farm is selling all sorts of out of season hay bales. All the major shapes catered for. Stack them up in your fields like Lego or feed them to your horses. Up to you. Call round to Paddy. Mornings only. Hurry, enquires from out foreign have been made!
Parents of children hoping to have them go to anything other than an Educate Together School in September are advised to start putting in some face time at mass. The schedule for new parents getting their kids baptised for school should be up on the Parish Notice Board shortly.
Duleek Drama Society
We are currently in the process of casting for our upcoming musical “Mummy’s Having Another Abortion”, which will be staged in the Parish Hall and other locations in mid-April. If you feel you would like to audition for the part of Mummy, readings will be taking place this Thursday coming and again on the Saturday. To add to the realism and tragedy of the story, the lead role must agree to become pregnant (by whom is up to you) and get the boat to England to have an abortion. Half the audience will accompany Mummy while the other half stay at home with the live children in what promises to be a gritty and personal theatrical experience. Pre-book tickets with Val or Tony.
Baltray Residents Association thanks Cllr. Tully, also resident in Baltray for donating the full €5000 of his €5000 allowance of a Borough Council discretionary fund.
Baltray Flash Doggings
Baltray Residents Association has denied rumours of flash-doggings on its famed greens. It has been alleged that the flash-doggings have been hushed up in the way only wealthy golfing communities can bury a scandal. Drogheda Dogging Community have declined to comment on the matter but are known to be fund raising for a dogging park.
General Bus Etiquette
A course for people who don’t know how to behave on buses has received the backing of commuters though may need a court ruling in order to forcibly restrain offenders while they sit through lectures and workshops which include What Do You Mean Other People Can Hear My Inane Phone Chat and Wish I’d Get Off the Fucking Phone? I’d No Idea!, Why Taking and Making Phone Calls on the Bus is Ignorant and You Are Not the Centre of the Fucking Universe So Stop Talking on the Phone on the Bus You Complete Wench.