January Horoscopes

Forget your education. Let stuff someone made up dictate your life.

Capricorn So you’ve been peer pressured into doing this Dry January Ice Bucket nonsense. Where’s your backbone? Turning to sludge up there on the fence with all the other dry shite social media bandwagon knobs, that’s where. Oh, you’ve cracked. I knew you would. You’re right. The cistern is a great place to hide your vodka. Just don’t let anyone flush it. Better still, keep it in the bottle. You’ll be hitting the new campaign with important pre-season training under your belt.

Aquarius Just say that the Christmas puppies ran away. Make sure you use a cement brick in that coal sack. Google knots. You don’t want to be in the local news.

Pisces Now might seem like a good time to pick up a cheap suit in the sales but would you be better served waiting for the spring collection to pick your court suit? Decisions decisions.

Taurus You’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions. If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you do the same? No, you wouldn’t. You’d stand there and laugh. You can always meet new, better looking and more interesting people.

Gemini You’re too old for that haircut. Ignore the voice. You’re not too old for that haircut. See? That was easy.

Cancer So you think you could be a politician eh? Spend the month pointing at holes in the road and/or roads with no footpaths. Not both. Don’t be greedy. Then we’ll see what you’re made of.

Leo Network. Start all conversations with your siblings friends by asking them what grade they are at work and then gauge whether they are worth talking to. Let them know you are friends with people higher up the food chain. Then just walk away. Nothing to gain here. This net you’re caught in ain’t going to work for you baby.

Virgo Just pretend you liked David Bowie even though he’s not a patch on Lady Gaga or Kanye. Just say you were more into him as a fashion icon and that while Bowie did weaken the Wall, it was the Hoff what toppled it. Will he have to die to get the credit he deserves?

Libra More fucking homeless lads about. Town has gone to the dogs literally, they all have one. Is this a sign? You’d better get your life in order sonny jim. You hate dogs. Or would you fancy being the first homeless tramp with a cat? Keep going the way you’re going.

Scorpio Do they still call it shifting? You’ve been out of the game too long. Get to her by becoming friends with the fat friend she has who makes her feel better about herself. You could just talk to her. See if she’s on Tinder. What? She’s one of these ‘Not interested in hook ups’ ones. Oh wait, she’s nice. Swipe.

Sagittarius You’re right. Nobody likes you. Get a robot from Japan. It’ll be your friend, maybe in time something more.

Ophiuchus You’ve become your parents. Jesus, were they gender fluid too?