Ambassador Kelly’s first press conference of the new season left those present with the impression that Louth had turned not so much a corner as a long learning curve.
His Excellency brought in ex-Londonderry boss Paddy Crozier over the winter. The Oak Leaf man brought home a National League title in 2008 so Division 4 should be a piece of piss.
There have been other positive moves over the winter break too. Ambassador Kelly cast his net far and wide in the trawl for new talent. So it is great to see the Louth supremo giving some new faces a run out…
‘Pick my Mickey will ye Kelly, he’d’a scoring’ that!’ and ‘Your net is full of holes Kelly!’ That type of unhelpful shout from the crowd was common place during last season’s annus relegatus.
Administratively there was root and branch reform. The Louth AGM saw a hand grenade full of idea shrapnel explode inside the conference hall. Every electable position was contested by at least three candidates. It was announced that the County Grounds would be upgraded from what was voted ‘the worst county ground in the country’ on Balls.ie to a modern theatre of GAA worthy of Cú Chulainn and Setanta before him.
No, wait.That bit was a dream. Nothing changed.
The county board did however commit to saving the tactics manual to the Cloud. Misplacement of the manual before last year’s Championship opener against Westmeath was widely thought to have been the reason for Louth not winning the All Ireland. But with all the tactics now safely stored in the Cloud, Amb. Kelly is confident of a successful campaign, providing the weather remains cloudy.
His Excellency held court.
“We have to embrace technology and use it to our advantage. Sean Boylan had the Meath lads running up the Hill of Tara in the dark and jogging on the spot and them up to their necks in the sea on Christmas morning. Those Meath lads were tough. That was then. This is now.
“Today’s technology makes that kind of graft look Neanderthal. No, I’d back our boys to beat them with this new Cloud technology.
“That said, we gave each member of the panel one of those adult colouring books for Christmas. No hold on, we had this same mix up in the shop…Colouring books for adults. It’s a subtle but important difference as some of the panel are minors and might be nervous of the female form despite their braggadocio. All Irelands are won on the small details.
“Anyway, we only gev them red and white markers to get them used to the county colours as it was very frustrating last season to see lads constantly passing to the opposition.”
The Cloud technology your Excellency.
“Yes. The Cloud. We’ve had wifi put in to all the lads jerseys and we writ the password on their sleeves. So at any time during a game, provided it’s cloudy, they can download the tactics through osmosis. The cloudier the better. We’ll be unbeatable in heavy fog.
“Paddy’s brought a new system down with him from the UK and it looks good. Once you say you’ve a ‘system’ the other team gets the heebie jeebies. So that’s a positive for us and a negative for them.
“Basically it’s two up top so it is with a sweeper and the rest defending and hitting on the counter with our modified attacking blanket. It’s a bit like what the Nordies do do in their daily lives but without the unpleasant sledging, aggressive personality disorders and love of diesel smuggling.
“We’ve put in a lot of hard graft over the winter months. It was a tough blow getting relegated and then having to face a team as mighty as Tipp in the qualifiers. I said it before and I’ll say it again. There should be a two tier champship. It’s getting to the stage where you have to ask yourself if it’s really worth getting promoted? I mean unless some rich Arab oligarch comes in…the gulf in class…won’t be bridged. Not in my lifetime.”
#FortressDarver hosts the students of DIT on Sunday in the O’Byrne Cup. A win coupled with a Kildare Offaly draw means we progress. However, should either of them win this game the semi-final berth will come down to score difference – advantage surely to the Wee men now they have eliminated wides from their game.
“They might be not be the top top students like from Trinity or at a push UCD so they’re not…or even, heaven forgive me for saying this with a straight face, but DCU…But you know, they’re students nonetheless and we have to respect that.
“Students are what I call ‘learners’ so they are. Their minds are like sponges so they’re good with the tactics and the technology. But we’ve instructed our lads not to lend them the wifi code even if they know them. We don’t want to be hacked. In fact, if there’s any hacking to be done it’ll be by our full back line.
“We were very unlucky last year when UCD bet us at the death by scoring more than us. We haven’t forgotten that. Only other students like students. We’ll show them no mercy. They need to toughen up before they emigrate.”
Throw in is at 2pm in fucking Darver of all places.