Old Moneymoore’s Alamanac 2016

Old Moneymoore predicts that there is a 90% chance that at least 70% of his predictions will come to fruition this coming year. Last year's rate was 50%

As any newsagents will tell you, Old Moneymoore’s Alamanac is a great companion for the New Year. The publication has been successfully predicting events in Drogheda since the 1900s.

Like always, the utmost research and thought has gone into compiling the best local knowledge on the weather, cattle moods, the price of lizards and lucky numbers. Locals have relied on the almanac like a second bible. It is the kind of knowledge the internet can never know.

Little is known about the current Old Moneymoore other than he lives a reclusive bachelor life in a fortified bunker under the secret park behind the Cottage Hostipal.

The Moneymoore family itself has long been mired in tragedy. Grandpa Moneymoore drowned in the 1930s after becoming tangled in a shopping trolley while swimming in the Boyne. He actually predicted the exact circumstances of his own earthly demise.

Pops Moneymoore was then tragically killed whilst cycling through Clogherhead on the county’s first ‘racer’ bicycle. Locals were spooked by its funny curved handlebars and dragged him from the saddle. He was never seen again though his bike was nailed to a tree on the approach to the village as a warning.

Old Moneymoore’s Almanac has got it right often than wrong over the years. Here are some of its most famous predictions.

1912 A ship will sink. HMS Titanic sank off Newfoundland (not as was reported locally, down the Glen in Newfoundwell).

1940 A new discovery by the sea. Baltray was discovered by children running too far down Seapoint beach.

1953 A man of rare talent, exquisite good looks and debonair graces will be born. The man will later renounce his birthplace. Pierce Brosnan was delivered in the Lourdes on the 16 May 1953.

1989 A wall separating two different ideologies will fall. It did. The wall between Brookville and Moneymore was knocked down that summer. It has risen and fallen many times since.

1999 A new age beckons, different to before. The year 2000 happened within days.

2006 A hurricane will terrify sailors. Alex Higgins went for a pint in The Mariner.

2010 A Royal scandal stained with cheating and hubris. Meath’s Joe Sheridan duly obliged in the Leinster Football Final by scoring a try to deny Louth victory.

Here are his predictions for 2016:

Newtownstallaban in the news for the wrong reasons. An Islamic caliphate? Newtowntaliban?

An African peace keeping envoy mediates the Louth Meath border dispute.

Oil struck at Wheaton Hall.

A relative of Cromwell to become mayor?

A local Olympian medals?

A monster is elected by the people.

Revolt in Mosney.

Unrest as lotto winners move in to Woodgrange.

Grangerath becomes an autarky.

Narrow West Street disappears.

A new flag for Drogheda?

St. Laurence Park granted UNESCO status.

Last university graduate moves out of College Rise.

Boreen chaos in Lobinstown.

A new playground for Stameen. Full of swings?

Dundalk gets another jobs boost.