The reality of climate change hit home with a shock yesterday morning as local nature eccentric Ron Montague spotted a shopping trolley bathing far from its natural habitat of the Boyne River.
Mr. Montague is part of local nature spotting group Nature There Now Hai. The group has been charting the population, migratory patterns and feeding habits of the town’s shopping trolleys since the 1970s.
“Normally we’d spot the first trolley of the New Year in the last days of December but this year was different.”
After hitting their usual haunts at dawn yesterday, Ron was puzzled by the lack of trolley sightings.
“I hit the usual hotspots on the Boyne and the Peter Street taxi rank. Nothing. While that was unusual in itself it has happened before. Back in 2000 we found a tangle of them cowering in the Dale. We put it down to them being afraid of the Millennium Bug.”
Shopping trolleys are creatures of habit and normally don’t migrate so far from the town centre. This is the first recorded instance of a town centre trolley being found so far from the town walls.
“We thought that you know, maybe they were aware of other trolley colonies, you know? And were trying to contact them. Like the big one up by Tesco on the faa side or the other smaller German ones. But we ruled that out. You see, trolleys have a great homing instinct. They’re like pigeons in that respect.
“It has to be the climate change. There’s no other reason for it.”
The climate change has been affecting river levels on the Boyne in recent years and unfortunately the quality of water coming in from Meath has also deteriorated in tandem with that county’s morals.
Shopping trolleys are known to bathe exclusively in the River Boyne. In the same manner that the Queen of England owns all the swans in her dominion, the President owns all Irish shopping trolleys. Ron continued.
“This colony of trolleys has been here since the first supermarket opent in the 1950s. They’re unique as there aren’t many indigenous town centre trolleys left in the country now.
“The council accommodated them after a study showed that the full pedestrianisation of West Street would have severely threatened their natural habitat – that’s why they only semi-pedestrianised it. Most people think it’s cos they’re idiots, but they were acting on sound ecological advice.”
Locals have been cautioned not to approach or feed any shopping trolleys they find outside of the old town walls. Trolleys can become aggressive and territorial when in a new environment and are known to be strong enough to break a human arm.
Snorkelling in the Glen has been cancelled until further notice.
A spokesthug from Direct Democracy blamed local Minister Ged Nash for the climate change.