Magic fans were treated to an extravaganza of wizardry yesterday as the Holy Door of St. Peter’s connecting Drogheda to Rome was opened at Sunday mass by Archwizard Eamon Martin.
A ‘Holy Door’ or Porta Sancta in Latin, refers to a wormhole connecting a place in time to the Papal Basilicas in Rome. Only Popes have enough magic to summon up such portals.
Popes are advised to use their powers sparingly or risk Papal burnout like Pope Benedict XVI or famously, Pope John Paul I who lost the run of himself and died after only 33 days in office.
Holy Doors are regarded as exact opposites to the ‘Hell Holes’ linking our world to the Netherworld. The Marsh House was closed last year after such a hole was discovered in its cellar. In such cases, these evil holes are sealed by mortar, cement and spells from the bible. A teams of Rapid Response Angels is also put on permanent standby.
Holy Doors are ceremoniously opened during Jubilee years designated by the Pope himself. “Nine times out of ten these things pass off fine,” no-stressed Parish Wizard ‘Father’ Silvio. “But it’s best to be prepared on the off chance,” he added, patting two pearl handled holy water pistols tucked into his frock.
But sometimes things can go wrong.
It was 1988 and there was a full house at Sunday mass in St. Peter’s. A wizard from the missions stumbled over a Latin word and inadvertantly reportalled the Holy Door to the lion cage at Dublin Zoo.
Several orphans ran towards it expecting to see Bosco but were met with a lion, who ate them. Archwizard Smyth defended his decision to close the door with the children still inside as a necessary measure to stop more bloodshed. A hungry lion let loose in a full church didn’t bear thinking about. According to witnesses, several alter boys considered making a bolt for the door.
Smyth broke into the song version of Our Father hoping to mask the noise from behind the door. But the desperate scratchings and terrified screams were too much for a lone voice to muffle. However, hindsight has shown that the boys were saved from years of silent abuse in some industrial school or other.
Those chosen to go through a Holy Door are immediately transported to St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome and served holy biscuits and the finest wines. Holy Doors are said to have inspired the 1986 Jeff Goldblum movie The Fly after a Holy Door was opened in Mexico City and a mosquito went through the portal at the same time as a Bishop.
A similar blooper ocurred when the then Cardinal Ratzinger was mistakenly transported to Rome with a Nazi.
A donation based draw will be made before next week’s special evening mass. Tickets available from the Parish Merchanise Store. Prayers are not accepted as currency, even from grannies.
A spokespriest refused to confirm or deny rumours that the evening will be hosted by Derren Brown.