All the weekend action from the Gary Kelly Memorial Cup

There were plenty of broken limbs, bruised egos and shocks on Saturday as the third round of the Gary Kelly Memorial Cup got underway.

League leaders Mornington Glories let a two goal advantage slip to a below par Ballsgrove Scrotes side missing three key individuals whose appearance at a special sitting of the Criminal Court clashed with the game.

The contest was marred by a section of Scrote Ultras who disrupted proceedings by performing donuts in the centre circle on a stolen ride-on lawnmower. Glories took advantage of the peer pressure put on their opponents to join in by sneaking three goals in quick succession. The lawnmower was then set ablaze in accordance with tradition. In the confusion Scrotes levelled and play continued around the inferno for twelve more minutes before referee Pat Carr called the game off due to heavy hailstones.

Mornington Glory management team pictured with the burnt lawnmower after their match with Ballsgrove Scrotes was abandoned due to bad hailstones.
Mornington Glory management team pictured with the burnt lawnmower after their match with Ballsgrove Scrotes was abandoned due to bad hailstones.
Surprise package Yellowbattered Husbands claimed another scalp as they dispatched a fancied Laytown Doggers side 3-1 at Little Wembley. The home side were scolded on by their wives. Player manager Bock McCormack said he didn’t have to give any team talk as another 90 minutes away from the wives was motivation enough.

There was disappointment for Mell Handicaps 1890 and Haamans Gaadens after their clash was called off due to an inebriated referee kicking the ball into the Boyne down by Willow Grove.

A mixed bag of outraged liberals staged a topless protest calling for the club to change its name to something less offensive (Mell Specials has been mooted) but chairman Jules Mullen is a traditionalist and has vowed to stick with the Victorian principles of the club (which include its own mental asylum and fleet of chimney sweeping under 11s). Progress to the next round will be determined by the toss of a coin followed by best of three.

Hillview Albinos were tonked 6-1 by a rejuvenated Halting Site Wanderers down at Cement Road. Wanderers neat interplay and effortless fluidity was a joy to behold with all players laterally interchanging positions like the great Ajax team of the early 70s.

Albino boss Whitey Costello said it was total football. “Their movement was spectacular. Mental and physical dexterity of the highest order. Their constant barrage of confusion and relatives swapping positions and jerseys had our lads utterly confused. It was like watching a traveller family claiming child benefit in several HSE regions at the same time – on grass.”

Tommy Leddy Academicals and Black Taxi Driver’s Co-op were on course for a dull 0-0 draw in the courtyard of Kermon House before star striker ‘Maniac’ Morofu sped away from his marker and insured the Co-ops name would be in the hat for Wednesday morning’s draw.

1996 Olympic Games, Atlanta, USA, Men's Football Final, Nigeria 3 v Argentina 2, Nigerian match-winner Morofu kisses his gold medal. (Photo by Bob Thomas/Getty Images)
1996 Olympic Games, Atlanta, USA, Men’s Football Final, Nigeria 3 v Argentina 2, Nigerian match-winner Morofu kisses his gold medal. (Photo by Bob Thomas/Getty Images)
Rumours that Morofu is above the eligible age bracket have persisted since the summer when judge Bran Flannen remarked during a traffic offences hearing that the Nigerian had “a touch of the Kanus” about him. The talented goal getter insists he is 24 though court records have him as 49, a claim he denies even though video footage appears to show him accepting an Olympic medal in 1996.


Stameen Swingers surrendered early on to Bettystown Blow-Ins as it became apparent that both teams had so much in common that they preferred to abandon the contest at half time and continue the game behind the closed doors of the Stameen clubhouse with some wine, a selection of French cheeses and no inhibitions.

The Swingers took control early on in the second half and looked like they would see things out but old legs tire quickly under pressure and the youthful exuberance and adventurous nature of the young and some say naïve Bettystown team saw them through.

As referee Miles Lumsden quipped after he emerged from the clubhouse. “Shirts weren’t the only things swapped over the course of the 90 minutes. I think we could have an amalgamation on our hands here.”

Town Centre Winos truly are the sick man of Drogheda after conceding a walkover against the might and intimidation tactics of Drogheda Says No to Water Charges AFC.

Free Moneymore will be disappointed to go out to Rathmullen Savages after a ding dong battle that started in Moneymore and ended up in hostipal. Both teams went at it from the off like drugged cocks in a fighting pit.

The Moneymore Men drew first blood when a fine move from the training ground landed Rathmullen goalie Muzz Patterson and libero Frank ‘Baresi’ Coyle into next week. There was more where that came from and Rathmullen responded with a quick one-two on Moneymore centre-half Nedser Mullen.

It was tit for tat after that until four minutes from time when a swift three on two counter attack from the Savages led to brutal pulped stalemate leaving the last man standing, Yokes McEvoy, to tap into an empty net for 1-0. With no players left to restart the game, it was awarded 3-0 to Rathmullen.

Manager Benefits McKenna said the result was a vindication of his team’s philosophy. “Lookit. We beat them fair and square. It just goes to show, if you sit back and do nothing you’ll eventually get rewarded. Just like on the social.”

Mosney Refugees and Laurence’s Park Paroles played out a 0-0 draw in front of a spaced out crowd. Despite the lack of goals, which are overrated inandanyhow, the real football fans in the crowd could appreciate the tactical battle being waged.

The televised game was the late kick off under the lights at the Luurdes Stadium which seen Newfield Godfreys succumb to the odd goal in seven after extra time to Dissidents United. It looked as though things were heading for a replay until a late explosion of pace from Bobby ‘Sands’ McGlinchy beat his marker at the byline and swing in a beauty of a cross which was kneecapped home by substitute Johnny ‘Mad Dog’ O’Hare at the far post.

Tullyallen Erotics and Drogheda Gender Fluids received a bye into the next round.

The draw for the fourth round takes place on Wednesday morning in Zürich.