The fight against ISIS escalated this afternoon as French President François Hollande announced a list of reprisals against Islamic State militants. French government departments have begun the process of stockpiling glitter in anticipation of military involvement on the ground in Syria.
In a televised speech broadcast to the nation, President Hollande explained his reasoning and answered liberal critics who likened glitter-bearding to waterboarding and other human rights abuses. “France has crossed its own Rubicon,” they said. “This is a declaration of total war.”
“When you are fighting an enemy that gives no quarter, you must respond in kind and fight fire with fire, or in this case glitter.” French intelligence services isolated glitter as the essence of Gay Paree, and therefore the antithesis of the Jihadi mind set. “There is nothing more terrifying or degrading for a Jihadi fundamentalist than to glitter up his beard and release photos of him on the internet. No heavenly virgin would touch him.”
The move was greeted with glee in Irish glitter circles. The same week that same-sex marriage became legal saw a hostile takeover of the Irish glitter and tinsel market by a cartel calling themselves The Glitterati.
Glitterati kingpin and wedding planner Fabio Keirans has been stockpiling barrels of glitter for such an eventuality, driving up the price of glitter and causing a national tinsel shortage in the run up to Christmas. “It’s basic economics. Supply and demand. If the French want it they’ll have to pay for it like everyone else. Jihadi or no Jihadi. We’re don’t discriminate here thank you.”
With Ireland now considered by ISIS as part of a Coalition of Devils, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has come under pressure to step in and end the glitter monopoly; a move that could boost Fine Gael in the run up to the General Election.
Since the announcement by President Hollande, Gardaí have been instructed to recall a memo circulated on Tuesday which advised officers to ‘turn a blind eye’ to assaults on the glitter bearded. A spokesgarda said, “Now that we have been identified as a target by ISIS, we have to utilize our skillsets. Glitter bearded hipsters can be easily recruited as anti-Jihadist torturers, provided they think they are the first to be recruited.”
Hipsters are reportedly nonplussed about the whole thing.