Around the Villages

Mell Wheel of Fortune Termonfeckin OCD Line Dancing We Buy Clothes Closes Baltray Travelator Renaming of Dominic’s Bridge Bombing of Duleek Re-enactment

Mell Wheel of Fortune

Locals from Mell and Mell only are invited to the Parish Hall on Friday 27th November at 8pm for the penultimate spin of 2015. With no winner of last month’s spin, the jackpot has snowballed to an incredible €810,000. But don’t be disappointed if you aren’t chosen to spin the wheel; spot prizes include a speed boat (and trailer), a top of the range Super Ser and a timeshare in a Burj al Arab penthouse.

Termonfeckin OCD Line Dancing

Termonfeckin’s OCD line dancers have called on Louth County Council to intervene and re-floor the entire Parish Hall with a single sheet of wood with no lines or cracks on it. Current conditions prohibit the group from availing of the facility.

A compromise was mediated last year and the Parish Hall was re-laid in two segments. However, a cocktail of clerical intransigence has seen talks grind to a halt while increased levels of Garth Brooks talk in the area has seen a massive swell in membership.

As things stand, the group does not have ample space on their side of the hall to dance in a continuous, symmetrical line, causing much anxiety and unnecessary anguish. Three members of the group were hospitalized last month after a mix up in communication saw the whole hall lined for basketball, scot, catch a man kill a man and levo.

We Buy Clothes Closes

Cheated on partners’ favourite store We Buy Clothes has closed after all the clothes have been bought. The shop, which bought clothes by the kilo (including used schoolgirl underwear for the Japanese vending machine market, but that’s another story…) and then shipped them to Africa to sell for a tidy mark-up, shut its doors recently for the last time after enough clothes had been bought to give the population of Burundi a new wardrobe.

Baltray Travelator

Tenders are open for the proposed tourist travelator from the Merchant’s Quay to Baltray. Once finished it will be the longest outdoor travelator in Europe, but not the quickest. Set up by Baltray Tourism Incorporated, the walkway aims to open up the delights of Baltray to the wider world and render obsolete the walkway from Drogheda to Bettystown and any tourism bounce it thought it was gonna get.

Renaming of Dominic’s Bridge

Drogheda Borough Council have announced a competition to rename Dominic’s Bridge ahead of the closure of the moribund Dominican Church. Councillors cited an overall increase in education levels and stricter secular controls on bridge naming as the reason for the rebranding.

The bridge is one of the few remaining bridges in the country that has a road on it yet prohibits cars. Drogheda Borough Council has sprayed the railings with anti-hunger strike spray in anticipation of any sacristans chaining themselves to it for a few days for publicity and then cracking like bad teeth at the first sight of a Twix.

Ye Olde Historical Society

Ye Olde Historical Society, now under new leadership thank heavens, will be holding a live re-enactment of the bombing of Duleek during World War Two. To preserve the authenticity of the experience no warning will be given. The event will be drone filmed.