Priests from Drogheda’s moribund Dominican Order are appealing for the safe return of some miracles after thieves walked into the church and just took them.
Speaking from a position of outrage, supporters of the declining religion say the town has just gone to the dogs so it has.
“The town has just gone to the dogs so it has. I’m not saying that it has anything to do with the increased ‘multiculturalism’ or whatever they’re calling it now, but these things didn’t happen before 1995.
Members of the order have increased their PPM (prayers per minute) rate in light of the thefts in an attempt to dissuade other thieves from striking.
We’ve asked the Lord to tell us who took them but for the moment He’s keeping schtum. We know He knows who did it and we know that He knows that we know He knows we know He knows who did it. But for some reason He won’t tell us. We see His silence as a test.
Several other religious artifacts were nabbed during the daring daylight raid, including a lifelike waxwork of St. Bernadette on a chaise longue. Police have assured mass goers that they will be inspecting every shop window in the run up to Christmas to find the doll.
“It appears it was an opportunistic crime. We have intelligence that says they tried to get Oliver Plunkett’s head first but couldn’t get by its protective force field,” explained a loyal genuflector. “So they hit the next best thing.”
In what could be the death rattle to Dominican presence in the town, a chalice of transubstantiation was also lifted. As Catholics are well aware, transubstantiation is the central tenet of their religion. Without it, the church would be just a men’s shed that allows women in.
Father Silvio had this to say.
“This is the worst thing that could have happened. Miracles are ten a penny but I don’t think they got any of the really good ones – we keep them boys locked up in the safe with the holy water.
“But if we’ve no transubstantiation in the church then we can’t do mass. Without it sure people would think we were just a bunch of lonely people chatting.”
A silver BMW was seen leaving the Dominican church at speed following the incident by Novena people. However, this has since been attributed to Fr. Silvio who was late for a pressing engagement in Baltray.
Gardaí have appealed to the thieves to return the artifacts and to be careful with the miracles. They can keep the coppers. They were only one and two cent coins inandanyhow.