Your letters: Lonely Hartes with Ian Harte

Is there someone you’ve given the glad eye to about the town?

Are you looking to get back in touch with an old flame?

Or are Tinder, Thrinder and Grindr not working for you?

Ask our resident love therapist, Ian Haarte. Contact Ian @lonelyhartes or by email at 120% Success guaranteed.

Howiya Ian,

To the two lads on West St. what sang ‘all the boys on the fás course’ yiz are only gorgeous and yiz gave me an eargasim.

 The blonde girl eating Genoa chips in a pink Pennys top.

Dear Genoa Chips,

Trust me, there’s not many things better than an eargasm on West Street, believe me. I’ve made enquires on your behalf. Those lads remember you. Expect a call, the rest is up to yous.



 Dear Ian,

Don’t really like football but I love your column.  Can you help me find this hunk?

I met you in the public toilets beside Barlow House. You didn’t speak much English but you spoke to me.

 Cottager George

 Dear Cottager,

I’ll stake the place out until I nail this hunk but I might need some more details. DM me @lonelyhartes. If you do, you have my word. I deal in results.



Ah help me Ian would ye?

 You sang outside ACC bank and broke me haart, I’ll give the two of ye a job.

 Brown eyes Brenda, holding the spice bag and the battered sausages.

Dear Brown Eyes,

Nothing pleases me more than uniting love and employment.

I know a few lads who would love any sort of job off you. Let’s make Drawda great again by creating jobs. Fair play.


Love Hearts mix


Dear Ian,

I fancy the priest what looks like Steve Davis. He’s so kind and gentle but there’s a dormant power under his dress, you can tell. Is there a course you could recommend that specialises in ecumenical seduction? I’ve an ache for his tabernacle that no prayer can cure.

Lord have mercy on me,

Dolores (what does organise the Novenas)

Dear Dolores,

Priests don’t have relations with women so that they can better understand the needs of the family. The Cathars tried it but St. Dominic slaughtered them all to a man. Then he dug them up and slaughtered them again. No good can come of it. My advice to you is throw the lips on him in Heaven.




Alrite man,

 I think I’m in love with the checkout girl in Dunnes but she’s not interested in me man, doesn’t even notice me like… She only likes guys who wear V-neck tops and grey tracksuits and have those bulgy protein shake veins. 

I’m big into poetry and feelings. I’ve changed my wardrobe…nothing. Should I get a tattoo? I think she’d like me then. Maybe a face one so she’ll notice. Why do all women love bastards Mr. Haarte? Should I go an throw dump some dead puppies and goats in a stream like they do in Meath? Would that impress her?

 Lovelorn Derek.

Listen to me Lovehorn,

Don’t kill any puppies or goats, we’re better than that in this county. It may be hard to hear but leave her to her tracksuits and protein for now. She’ll be yours in 10 years when she realised she’s trapped and sees the well-heeled and successful Derek popping in to buy some top of the range homewares in Dunnes. Bang her a few times then. It’ll be worth the wait – this time you’ll be the one who gets to shake his protein all ov…wink wink nudge nudge.


Dear Ian,

Me son loves the football and wants to be a League of Ireland player. I’ve told him to aim higher but sure he won’t listen at all. Could you have a word with him?

I’ll make it worth your while…

Milf McGuffin

Dear Milf,

Stop putting pressure on your son. If he’s good enough, good looking enough and lucky enough he’ll make it and find his level, even if that means being playing in Ireland and calling himself a footballer. He needs to be dedicated and practice a lot. I’d be happy to give him a few pointers on the house. A photo of mum would be nice – you’d be amazed how many requests like this I get. It does be hard to pick out little Johnny from 20 or so kids with their mammies. DM me @lonelyhartes.



Dear Ian,

I heard Adele’s song Hello on the radio and it reminded me of my favourite FWB, Amanda. She was more of a goer than a looker but we were happy. We useinto hook up every weekend in Man Fridays bout a quarter past two if neither of us had shifted – which in fairness was a reglar enough occurrence. We liked to say we had high standards.

But we drifted apart. Me into a doomed relationship with a cracking looking but ultra-conservative Polish bird (An Irish 9, a Polish 6) and then an 8 year stretch for a mistake. Hur to a succession of Tuurkish holiday romances in Kuşadasi and Clogher.

We made a pact 10 years ago that if we were both single in 10 years time we’d settle for each other while our bits still worked. It’s 10 years this weekend but I have a problem – I only get out the week after next. A classy bird like Mandy won’t wait around, she’ll be snapped up in the 2am shift panic.

Help me get a message to her please!


 Lonely Hart Damien (Lugser)

Dear Lugser,

I think I know who you’re talking about. Randy Mandy is a great laugh and she’s raking it in with the maintenance on those five kids of hers – Abdul, Peter Andre, Hakan, Ryan and Atatürk. Word on the street is that she’s single at the minute but that could change. Don’t worry, if you can’t come to her then we’ll get her to you if she’s not shifting.

Worry not,


Next week – Agony Uncle Gary Kelly gives solutions to your local dilemmas.