Borough Council signs sponsorship deal with Ann Summers

Cllr. Tully brings Drogheda Borough Council's budget estimates to Council Chambers.

Local councillors were hailing as exciting a sponsorship deal with adult store Ann Summers. The two year deal will see councillors wear branded clothing on official business. The Council will take this opportunity to send the mayoral chain for overdue cleaning. It will be replaced in the interim by some tastefully selected fetish regalia.

Councillors welcomed the move as a positive step for the town, noting that the publicity generated by the stunt could only benefit the area. The move is in line with the broad Council policy of encouraging erotic tourism to the town. Only last week, Drogheda topped a Tripadvisor poll as best destination for erotic tourism in 2016.

A statement released on behalf of the Council insisted that councillors received no benefits in kind from the deal and vociferously denied claims that they have been given top loaded store cards and a full catalogue to home test as “untrue, unhelpful and unsubstanstiated.”

While there are no legal obstacles prohibiting the immediate commencement of the partnership, a majority of councillors voted to postpone the venture until Ann Summers’ Spring catalogue is out, sparking heated debate in Council Chambers on a range of issues not related to the sex shop sponsorship deal. Councillors remained tight-lipped on continuing rumours that the British sex shop is stalling opening a flag ship store in Drogheda as it waits on the Dominicans to vacate their church on Dominic Street.

In an unfortunate incident, one anti-water charges protestor clad in a Hollister tracksuit lept from the public gallery and pointed a double-headed dildo at each of the government party councillors, labelling them all “sluts”, “label slaves” and “government gimps.” He was joined soon after by a man dressed in a leather suit and mask with a red snooker ball in his mouth who said nothing but nodded in agreement, however, to say more would be to give these hooligans the oxygen of publicity.

The bold move by the Council has divided opinions the town over.

“Is nothing sacred? What’ll be next – the early mass brought to you by Sugar Puffs? Though come to think of it… that might just save the Dominicans! Great idea! Fair play to the Council. We don’t give them enough credit.” – Jim Kelly, Drogheda Says No to Abortion and Water Charges.

“We’ve no pride in this town at all. Isn’t our football stadium named after a packet of crisps or something? It’s no wonder everyone’s emigrating.” – Sos Donnelly, Craft Butcher at Sos’s Sausages Ltd.

“I’m telling you man, the next step will be human barcoding. I’ve read enough Chomsky and Facebuke pages to know who to believe and more importantly who not to believe.” – Ruadhan Wilson, pre-Arts bridging course student at DIFE.

“It’s a great idea. I hope the male councillors lead by example.” – Trish McKenna, Proprietor, Hairdresser to the Gods.

“That’s Labour’s fault. I always said they were durty fuckers didn’t I Trish?…I said ‘That’s Labour’s fault. I always said they were filthy fuckers didn’t I Trish?’… Labour…I did… Indeedin I did…Tuesday… You never listen to anthin I say…she never listens to me…yeah well… Don’t listen to hur she’s only a dope…nuthin love, go back to your soaps…See what I have to put up with? She’s worse than Labour.” – Dixie McKenna, Trish’s husband.

“If I get to see Imelda in leather pants then it’s a great idea. I’ve seen Shanks in them before in the parade but wait maybe they were binbags. I can’t remember. Will the rest of them be in the leather pants there now?” – The result of all responses being put into a computer instructed to take all opinions into consideration.

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