In the first of a series of human interest stories, The Faa Side speaks with victims and perpetrators of the Movember phenomenon.
Initially a fad for raising awareness and cash for prostate cancer, Movember quickly morphed into an industry fuelled by self-promotion and id onanism. The curse of social media saw it spread like some digital potato blight over the faces of men too young to remember when every goalkeeper worth his salt sported a moustache.
While it directly affects millions, it also has untold indirect effects on millions more, usually limelight averse men and nearly all of the women. The disease is known to span the calendar month of November. Sufferers then go into remission for eleven months.
Nick & Val Clarke’s story
The wife of office manager Nick Clarke has put family and friends on intervention alert ahead of this year’s inevitable Movember craze.
Forty one year old Nick found meaning in moustaches after realizing he could use the facial fur as a prop to camouflage the deep chasm of nothingness where his personality should be long enough to impress female interns and new people at the office who don’t yet know how much of a boring prick he is.
Wife Val spoke to the Faa Side about her husband’s illness.
“It’s a long time now since he grew one [a Movember tache] in the spirit of things,” headshook Val. “Everything now is about self-promotion. I don’t think he even donates money to the causes anymore. Or worse, believes in them?
“If it’s not a Sponsored Knee-Capping for stray cats or a Beard Shave for the Laytown’s AIDS grannies it’s a Dizzy Putting Challenge for asthmaholics or another Ice Bucket Challenge in a different location with a different colour bucket. The only constant is the sound of his own back being self-patted.
“Nick is so far gone that he didn’t even cop that the Pre & Post Wank Face his mate Chris told him about for Impotence Solidarity Week was a piss take. He uploaded it to Facebuke, even putting up a bonus ‘mid tug’ selfie to go one better than his mates. As far as I know it’s still up there. His brother’s twins liked it.”
However, despite [in his own head] appearing really cool and engaged with the world around him, Nick’s waking hours have been haunted by a Youtube clip from Drogheda that went viral last year.
“That silly bitch who busted herself doing the ice bucket in her garden didn’t deserve to go viral. It should’ve been me. My body of work speaks for itself.
“I don’t mean to sound bitter. I’m not, I mean don’t get me wrong. Fair play to your one. Blame the game not the player I say… But her lack of a follow up shows that she didn’t grasp that exposure like I would’ve.
“I’m confident this year’s Movember will see me break through. I’ve been growing one of them beards everyone has since July to get that head start…
“But come Sunday morning I’ll tell the wife and kids that I’m off to shave! But I won’t! I’ll surprise them! What’s this they’ll say? Dad’s got an awesomesauce moustache! Men will literally want to be me even more. Val’s knickers’ll be soaking.”
Wife Val, whose Facebuke profile is still her wedding day pic despite that being two years ago now, blames Movember for ruining her husband.
“Nick was always a prick, I won’t deny that. But this Movember thing has ruint him. The lows after it are like sea trenches. All that other stuff is him chasing the dragon until it’s Movember again. This intervention better work cos’ I find myself wishing ball cancer on him.”
Mr. Weldon’s family have asked the public not to acknowledge his zany antics during this difficult and deeply embarrassing time. With no access to social media during the expected four month recovery period in the exclusive Betty Bell Clinic in Ballymakenny, Val is hopeful her husband can make a complete recovery.
“I’ll only know he’s really better when he starts giving foreign currency to charity workers again. An intervention is the first step. This can’t go on.”