Popular nurse Kelly-Ann Keiransis from Oulster Lane has successfully defended her title as The Wuurst Nuurse in the Luurdes (WNL) at this year’s prestigious awards ceremony in the d Hotel.
Kelly Ann, 32 and up for it, romped home to become the first nurse to win back-to-back titles since the prestigious award was inaugurated in 1967 by Mother Mary (of the Incarnation) Martin herself as a thank you to the many nurses who did their training there.
As expected, competition was fierce again this year with nurses applying from abroad to do their training in Drogheda purely to have a crack at the title. Though she didn’t place this year, Ifunanyachukwu Obinda, known to her colleagues as Tina, spoke to The Faa Side about what taking part in the competition means to her.
“Back in Lagos my brothers grew up watching the FA Cup and wanting to score a goal at the Wembley. They would be playing all of the day, on the way home from the school and even afta dahk.
“But for me, I would be dreaming of The Wuurst Nuurse in the Luurdes. The glamour magazines the nuns gave to us were full of great stories about the competition. I still have my copy of Miss Medical Missionary of Mary 1988.
“Competing here today is my FA Cup Final. God reveals his greatness by making people sick so I can be treating them. Amen.”
Despite being reigning champion, Kelly Ann was an 11-2 punt for the title. This is owing to the fact that it had never previously been successfully defended. Sister Conseptic, WNL competition organizer, was surprised.
“Winning back-to-back titles is nigh on impossible. It’s like winning back-to-back Champions Leagues – it just doesn’t happen, no matter how hard you pray or how many jumpers you knit the priest.
“Perhaps the rule changes* this year had something to do with it, but I don’t want to take anything away from Kelly Ann – she is a credit to the hostipal and to all Keiransis the town over.”
Clearly disappointed and bitter as the cud was runner-up Nurse Noeleen McQuail, who came out of retirement for one final tilt at winning an unprecedented third crown. Under WNL rules, Nurse Noeleen would have kept the trophy but was undone by her lack of social media panache.
“To say I’m annoyed is an understatement. I think the new rules, especially the public vote went against me. It’s unfair and ageist. I’m 65 you know – I can’t just go out on the town and ride all around me for the promise of a text vote.
“It was easier in the past – seducing two of the three judges was usually enough. When I won my two previous titles I did all three to be on the safe side. But they’ve changed things since then and the panel is full of picky consultants now. I preferred it when you just had the doctor, Sister Monica and the Monsignor. At least you knew what you were up against.”
Nurse Keiransis was delighted at the honour and thanked all her many colleagues, fans, famly, friends, patients and casual encounters in an emotional speech that started in the d Hotel, continued onto Storm Nightclub and ended up puking into a spice bag in a taxi before (as per WNL rules) being ridden senseless by a V-necked stranger who shares a house with mates in a Mid-Louth housing estate.
“Yis are fucken brilliant so yis are. I mean it hons. I’m fucken delighrid so I am! Eat that bitches.”
There were exciting scenes this morning as hostipal staff jostled with elderly patients for corridor space for the traditional clapping in of the victor. According to the rules, the victor must turn up for the early shift or be stripped of the title. Kelly Ann didn’t disappoint.
“D’ya know wha? It was 4 in the morning and I said fuck it. If I go asleep now I’ll sleep through the alarm so I just rid me way through it. Me ma was right – sometimes you’re just better off riding your way through a crisis.”
Despite her success, Nurse Keiransis was disappointed not to have been recognized on a national level. She hopes to use her WNL titles as a springboard to success at a higher level.
“I’ve outgrown the Luurdes at this stage. If I’m ever going to get a statue beside Socks Byrne and the other one I’ve got to go professional and test myself against those Nursing Home Nurses. That’s where the bar is set. I owe it to myself to test me abilities on the most competitive stage of all.”
* The changes Sister Conseptic referred to were the relaxing of Rule 21 in 2011 which allowed male nurses compete for the first time and this year’s public vote, which counts for 30% of the total mark. Previously, contestants were judged purely on their nursing abilities and didn’t need to nurture a social media profile, but the WNL needs to move with the times.