“We can win Sam if we’ve no wides” – Ambassador Kelly bullish after 2016 draw

Renault Ambassador and Louth Manager Colin Kelly was in bullish mood after the draw for the 2016 Leinster Senior Football Championship handed the Wee County what some might regard as a tough draw.

First up are Carlow at home in what promises to be a contest for the impurists. Avenging 2011’s comical defeat at the hands of the Scallion Eaters is high on the agenda for the Louth Supporters Club. However, supporters have been warned to temper their hatred lest it dilute the county store of hatred for Meath, the real enemy.

Ambassador Kelly dismissed Carlow as a threat.

“Carlow at home? Piece. Of. Piss. Though we do respect them, of course.”

Should the Fighting Cocks of Carlow be flushed down the dank O’Rathallaigh urinals (defeated on the field of play) by the collective weight of Louth’s piss crystals (points), a plump home draw against the Royals awaits in Drogheda Navan, Louth’s traditional home for Championship defeats. Then there’s Dublin.

Speaking from a rolled down window in his estately Renault Megane, His Excellency had some words for long suffering Louth supporters.

“2016 is a big year for us. Bigger than last year both gaelically and numerically.

“We’ve welcomed two new lads into the fold, former Londonderry boss Patsy Crozier and DI ghost columnist Seamie O’Hanlon, who, if he coaches as good as he writes we’ve already got one hand and some fingers on Sam.”

“There’s a lot of bad press around us at the minute, you can’t deny that so you can’t. But you have to look forward and put last year’s unbelievable bad luck behind us. What happened to us at times…You couldn’t make it up so you couldn’t.

“And maybe having the lads march to Tipperary did leave them a wee bit leaden legged. But it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. The lads never got credit for making it down in just a day. This county is full of begrudgers.

“We’ve done nothing but analysis since the end of the season. We’ve dipped into both next season’s and the three seasons after that’s development budgets and gotten in a crowd of football statisticians from Sydney Swans on Blackie Judge’s recommendation. You could call it a coup. They’ve signed an exclusivity agreement with us so nobody else can have them. Hastag major advantage. Hashtag Jurgen Klopp’s gaelic brain.

“They identified the key areas that let us down last season – unbelievable bad luck and wides. We can do “nada” about the rub of the green so we can’t, only get the  Red Witch of Carberrys to bless us. But we can eradicate wides. That’s in our own hands so it is.

“If you convert all the wides we had in last season’s champship into scores we’d have got to the All-Ireland Semi Final as Leinster Champions.

“So our focus when the lads come back training in a few weeks will be to eradicate all wides from our game and change them into scores, be it points or goals. 

“I’ve devised a training regime that makes it nigh on impossible to hit a wide. I’ve tested it on myself so I have and found it flawless. Right boot, left boot, fist. No bodgers.

“And come here, put your head in the window there and look at this on the built in iPad on the rhino skin dashboard there now. See that stat? In the highlighter? That’s our game changer right there.

“This crowd agree with my plan and say that if we take all our shots from inside a protective Hoplite circle from within the opposition square we’ve a 99% chance of not missing.

“And no team I ever seen got 99 shots in a game so we can change the success ratio to 100% as the most shots I ever seen a side take was 72 and that was in an under age game when the Dreadnots played a full forward who must have been sixteen in an under 12s league match. He scored 36 points and one of his sons who was playing on the 40 got a rake of frees too.

“But lookit, it won’t matter who we play. This system will revolutionise gaelic.”

Louth play Carlow in the opening round of the Championship. With odds of 1000/1, now would be the time to back the Ambassador’s revolution.