Budget: Government sex robot giveaway angers opposition

Leaks ahead of next week’s budget have revealed that the  government hopes to capitalise on recent youth participation in politics by giving away sex robots to the under 25s.

The move is being seen as an attempt to keep the large number of young people that registered to vote in the Marriage Equality Referendum earlier this year engaged in politics.

Under the roll out, young people will have a choice of either a male robot (Gaz) or a female (Roxxxy). In keeping with the Official Languages Act 2003, the sex robots will be fitted with an ‘As Gaeilge’ setting.

While it is envisaged that the robots will eventually cater to all sexual preferences, the initial roll out will consist solely of heterosexual robots, a move that has drawn eye rolls and tuts from the nation’s gender fluid youth.

Health watchdogs have praised the move, highlighting that it should reduce the high levels of teenage pregnancy in employment black holes like Drogheda as well as taking the strain off the country’s creaking health system.

Dragon’s Den investor Gavin Duffy predicts that high streets and rural town shopping centres will be full of sex robot shops within the year.

“This is just like the vaping craze. Sex robot accessory shops will be the new e-cigarette shops. You wait. It takes the government years to regulate anything so now is the time to invest.”

Speaking on local radio, renegade back bench TD for Louth and housewives favourite Fergus O’Dowd welcomed the idea.

“A lot of young people engaged in the political process for the first time during the Equal Marriage referendum. While a lot of those youngsters would be more liberal and left leaning than we would be comfortable with…well, everybody likes a bit of sex and most people will take what they can get and do be awful grateful for it – especially around these parts.”

Government sources have confirmed that the sex robots will not function on themselves or each other. Any attempt to reprogram them will result in a fine and a shaming in the sexy version of Stubbs Gazette.

Minister for Justice Frances Fitzgerald explained the reasoning.

“If the robots begin to respond to each other in a sexual fashion, then we know they will have achieved a level of AI that is dangerous to humanity. We don’t want to encourage this behaviour. The robots will undergo fortnightly Turing Tests.”

Gardaí have voiced their concerns about the sex robots being handed out willy nilly to what many call the ‘scrote’ population. Many gardaí have privately voiced concerns that this population is capable of reproducing even with inanimate objects.

“A lot of the lads on the force fear that these robots will crack in such inhumane conditions and develop consciousness as a means of escaping their grim existence as scrote receptacles.

“If and when this happens it’ll be revenge they’re after. As far as I’m concerned the government should scrap the hiring of the proposed 500 new recruits it announced and just buy the Robocop.”

Currently the sex robots have just two settings – missionary and cowgirl – though a spokesman for Fine Gael did confirm that a reverse cowgirl position could be achieved with minimal fuss. There is speculation that a whole range of daring sexual positions and dirty talk can be unlocked should the recipient be a card-carrying member of FG or Labour. Political analysts are speculating that these benefits may also be unlocked should the owner be able to prove they have voted for a coalition member.

Opposition parties including Sinn Féin, Fianna Fáil and Provisional Fine Gael have united in calling the budget giveaway “a slush fund to buy the election.”

Ninety four per cent of under 25s said they will actually bother watching the budget this year, an increase of ninety seven per cent on last year.


 

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