Electric cars to be removed from Duleek after surge of self-inflicted electrocutions

Duleek's electric car charging point on the morning of its unveiling.

The Sustainable Energy Authority of Ireland (SEAI) has ordered the temporary closure of all electric car charging points in the Duleek area after last weekend’s surge in self- inflicted electrocutions.

Our Lady of Navan Hospital was overwhelmed by 237 cases ranging from mild shock to severe third degree burns. The majority of cases were easily treatable but a significant minority were erroneously airlifted to the Elocutions Unit of Our Lady of Lourdes Hopsital in Drogheda before being transferred to the Burns Unit in St. James’s Hospital, Dublin.

The electric car charging point had only been in place a matter of weeks. Doctor Adrian Flood, lecturer in Advanced Behavioural Psychology at Drogheda Institute of Further Education (DIFE) explained that the electrocutions were an unfortunate side effect of progress.

“I suppose you could call it the price of progress. We’ve seen it time and again in primitive societies when a new technology arrives unannounced and disturbs the status quo. The new technology cannot be explained so a magical quality is ascribed to it. More often than not it causes a societal breakdown, or a hierarchical reordering if you will.

“There are countless examples of British colonizers in Africa bamboozling natives with their magic sticks. Johnny Englishman would hand his rifle to a native, who would then inevitably shoot himself. I put the Duleek electrocutions in this bracket.

Reports from Dubliners recently moved into the area to peddle drugs confirm Dr. Flood’s hypothesis. At first the charge point was circled from a distance while occasionally a member of the pack would dart in and touch it before scampering back to the safety of the herd.

As time went by and confidence grew, the pack circled closer and some individuals began sticking their fingers into the unit, causing a mild shock and much mirth. However, things quickly got out of hand.

“Just sticking their fingers into the thing wasn’t enough. They started chasing the dragon. They started licking it. And then that wasn’t enough…

“On Friday evening one alpha female climbed atop of the unit and started beating her Kepak jersey and shouting something primeval. I couldn’t understand but the locals seemed to. Then she picked up the nozzle and began sucking. The shock sent her 20 metres. From that moment on it was bedlam, sure they were clambering over each other for a go.

“Hopefully this now is the end of it and the locals will go back to buying their brown. Business took a dip this last week and we’ve had to go to Drogheda for the groceries. The town has gone mad…But come here to me though, I’ve a great deal on some chocolate rock if you fancy. No? Tell your mates to ask for Tommy.” – Tommy, Ryan’s Park.

Gardaí from the Garda Public Order Unit have placed an armed cordon around the charging unit pending its removal.