The fallout from the latest Conservative sex scandal hit mid-Louth this morning as it emerged that the pig sexually abused by British Prime Minister David Cameron was born and reared on the O’Gorman farm just outside of Ardee.
Respected local pig farmer Harry O’Gorman spoke out after allegations of necrophilia and hog abuse surfaced in The Daily Mail on Monday morning.
“I’m saddened to see that one of our own hand reared sows was subjected to such abuse. Our family has been providing pigs to the British aristocracy for culinary and recreational use since Napoleonic times. We will have to review our arrangements in light of these disturbing developments.”
Ardee’s oldest swine farm is famed for its pig rearing pedigree but its commercial links with the British aristocracy were hitherto unknown. Harry’s great great great great grandfather was chief pigger to a young Arthur Wellesley during his stint at Drogheda Grammar School. An unlikely friendship blossomed. Wellesley went on to become the Duke of Wellington.
A spokesfarmer for the Irish Farmer’s Association (IFA) confirmed that the family reaped a higher yield per pig in return for their silence.
“Clearly, there has been a gross neglect of farming ethics here now so there has. But that said, I can see why the gentlemen from London would want Louth’s pigs, they are the finest swine on these isles so they are; especially when they’re all dolled up. Alluring to say the least. And I say that as a happily married man.”
A disgruntled former pig husbandry worker who ran operations at the O’Gorman farm spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“About twice a year some gentlemen from Oxbridge would pay us a visit. They’d saunter about top-hatted in their fox hunting gear and select a handful of piglets that tickled their fancy.
“We’d then separate them from the drift and train them to perform various acts, not all sexual either. When they’d been successfully groomed, a submarine would collect them from the harbour in Clogherhead.
“What kind of grooming would we do? Well, we’d one wee piggy that could ride a unicycle and another that could do ballet. One little piggy could dance the Cha-Cha while another little piggy painted à la Monet…
“But we’d one wee piggy with republican sympathies. I’d lay money that’s the piggy that tasted Cameron sausage. She’d a mouth on her, the swine. I remember she tried everything not to get on that sub.”
It is not yet known how these revelations will effect business at the O’Gorman piggery. Farming female Hettie O’Gorman insists there is nothing to worry about.
“We’ll be fine so we will now. We’ve been rearing pigs here in Ardee since their tails were curly.”