An Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) report has predicted that County Meath will have the smartest kids in the developed world by 2025. The report, entitled Students, Computers and Learning: Making the Connection, links the amount of time students spend using modern technology in the classroom as the key factor in making children even stupider than they already are.
With investment in modern technology frowned upon in the Royal County and secondary education only made compulsory in 1995, OECD experts see the children of Meath as being ideally placed to excel in a more remedially paced environment.
The Meath Education Board has been widely criticised for abandoning a scheme which introduced children to modern technology after its only exhibit, a laminated picture of a pocket calculator, was eaten by Junior Infant Ryan McQuail in March. The popular technology tour had been in place since 1972.
News of the OECD report was welcomed by Father Mickey Traynor of the Meath Education Board. “Janey Mack that’s just brilliant news sure. It shows we’ve been doing something right. A real boost for the county! Up the Royals! No show like a Joe show!”
However, others on the same board weren’t so sure. Ultan Stafford, who once flirted with the internet and safeguards Meath’s megabytes, wasn’t convinced by the report. “So are you telling me that children what haven’t even been born yet will be the smartest in the country or that the children we have now will still be children in 2025?”
Microsoft founder Bill Gates donated 30 computers to the newly opened secondary school in Kells in 1995. “We got a hape of those windows computers from an American chap,” explained Principal Con Brodigan. “We had them installed by the local IT lads right enough but sure they made a right pig’s mickey of things. They don’t let any natural light in, even if you turn them on! Goes to show you that not everything from America is the bees knees.”
County Meath hit the headlines in 2011 when a Spanish tourist wandered off the strictly controlled Brú na Bóinne trail with an iPad and was flayed as a soul catcher before being strung up on the road to Donore as a warning for other technophiles.
Speaking on local radio, OECD Education Chairperson Isabel del Neri attempted to quell celebrations in the Royal County.
“This report doesn’t say that Meath kids are getting smarter. No, it merely states that all the other kids are getting less intelligent. Should trends continue it will mean that general education levels will drop below current Meath levels, which it has to be said, are shallower than a Sahara puddle.
“Meath levels of etiquette and knowledge plateaued somewhere in the 12th century when the last of the High Kings abandoned Tara. The lack of technology in your classrooms will then be seen as an advantage when civilization collapses. Your excellence in the baser skills will be the envy of the post-civilized world. People will turn their weary eyes to you. I hope you will be ready.”