Local sex addict running out of rideable options

Some may say that such a thing doesn’t exist, but for postman Joey Haggins, sex addiction is all too real.

Speaking in an open letter published in the local paper, Mr. Haggins called for more understanding and compassion from the wider community as well as a nursing faculty in the town’s third level education institute.

“I’ve been afflicted with this illness since I was a 13 year old boy and I know for a fact that there are many more out there like me, suffering in silence.”

Haggins, approaching 40, blames a string of failed relationships on the addiction. “I’ve been accused by women of treating them like objects,” he parped, “But I genuinely feel like I’m the one who has been emotionally manipulated.”

“A group of us set up a support group a couple of years ago in the parochial hall, more in the hope that a few women would come along, but none did. No, I lie, one  showed up but she was much too ugly to have a sex addiction. After we barred her it actually turned into a therapy session, you know, with talking, feelings, no judgement and no strings circle jerks.”

Like many in the group, Haggins reported how relations with new ladyfriends would start off at breakneck pace with dangerous and daring lovemaking pushing county and sexual boundaries alike. But soon things would slow down to a routine pace of once a week, twice if they bought a bottle of wine and pizza on a Friday night.

“Sex addiction is not like alcohol or drug addiction in that you need to stop to get better. Sex addiction is the opposite, you actually need more of it ‘cos it’s a natural urge.”

After the support group carried out a stocktake, it found that members had exhausted all rideable options in the town.

“We’re tired of seeing the same haggard faces in the nightclubs and speaking frankly here, we’ve done all the half decent looking ones a couple of times. There’s no joy in it anymore, it’s just listless rattling at this stage…Things have gotten so bad recently we have considered organising an excursion to a nightclub in either Meath or Cavan, if they have any.”

Trying to put the fucking back in Termonfeckin
Trying to put the fucking back in Termonfeckin

The group is now calling on local TDs to get funding for a new nursing or arts faculty in the town’s third level education institute. Haggins insists the minimum he will settle for is a politicial promise of more French and Spanish exchange students for the town.

“The shier sex addicts in the group heard rumours that foreign women, the French in particular, are mad for mickey. The Spanish are hotter but harder work,  though once you ride them the once, they’ll ride you every day for life, I’ve heard.”

New technology has, if anything, made the sex addiction harder.

“Swiping left on Tinder has my index finger near worn off. In the boom years it felt like my mickey had been worn down to a stub, but those days seem to be gone, through no fault of my own I may add. It’s Fine Gael and Labour’s fault. My sex addiction was fine during the Celtic Tiger, everyone was mad for a ride. But now all the good looking young ones have emigrated away. Sure look at Duleek, didn’t that affairs website show them all to be men! Ardee wasn’t much better. Things will get worse before they get better.”

Termonfeckin Sex Addict Support Group holds meetings every Wednesday evening in the parochial hall.