Gardaí have issued a code grey gigolo alert and warned all nursing homes on the Termonfeckin to Bettystown circuit to be extra vigilant after a recent spike in Sudden Granny Deaths (SGDs). Pa Rafferty, Grand Dragon of the Lyons Club, welcomed the warning after a score of grannies have passed away from pleasure related aneurysms since the end of May. A further six are in intensive care suffering from what doctors are calling coitus infused dislocations and breakages, most likely caused by ‘granda grind’ and over exuberance.
The focus of the enquiry revolves around the Hardmans, a respected gigolo family from The Dale. It is no secret that Clive (94) recently retired after 80 years of service and it was thought that son Ray (76) would take over the family business. And to all intents and purposes he has. However, with business booming since his father’s retirement, an increasingly pallid Ray has found it difficult to keep up with demand. A source close to the family indicated that Ray, always a stubborn individual, ignored his father’s advice to play the long game and sought help from a locum gigolo agency from Dublin.
The source went on to reveal that the agency only have the quick buck in mind, literally pummelling their way through Ray’s client ledger like a frustrated Meath man thumping a book with no pictures. He spoke of Clive’s retirement speech to Ray in the Black Bull.
“Just do what you can son. Don’t be wearing yourself out. It works better for you if you’re in demand; drives up the price of the ride. And keep abreast of any pension increases. I always pinned my price hikes to them and no harm it did me.
“Stay away from public nursing homes if you can. The state makes old people sell their worldly possessions to stay there so pickings are slim. Payment in sucky sweets won’t pay the gas bill. And never ride on tick.”
Detective Sergeant Seamie Burke sees parallels between a similar SGD spike in 1987 which coincided with old Joey Black handing the reins of the family business to his son Mícheál, who had no interest in carrying on the trade.
“It’s obvious what’s gone on here. You see, geriatric gigolism is a competitive business like any other, always has been. When an established gigolo leaves the game there’s a vacuum to be filled. Clients are eager to play the market, try something new, and sure why not? And if the retiring gigolo has no sons to pass on his client book on to, well then, hips will be dislocated, and the rest…”
Responsible gigolos will take on an apprentice ahead of their retirement, usually the eldest son, and guide him through the intricacies of the profession with a steady hand. The apprentice spends up to seventeen years studying theory, mastering etiquette and small talk and only then will he accompany his sensei on the job, acting as a co-pilot. It is on these practical outings that the apprentice puts his knowledge into practice, honing the skills of timing and pace while striving to attain that velvet touch that separates gigolos from mere mortal men. He’ll also learn to anticipate the needs of his clients, recognising their biting point and sensing their limitations before they do. Gigolo mastery is colour coded using the same system as karate, though while you can tell a karate man by his belt, for elderly gigolos your reference is the colour of his cravat.
The years spent in training make the modern day gigolo difficult for nursing home staff to spot. While not illegal per say, most nursing homes frown upon coital visits. Ursula St. Ledger is a nursing home director in Bettystown.
“What usually happens is Nan will arrange a cheaper gigolo as she’ll want her weekly supply of barley sugars and scratch cards. We’ll tell her that she can’t have her cake and eat it but you know what they’re like, they pretend to be deaf… What’ll happen is he’ll fall asleep on the job and my staff will have an overflowing bedpan or a burst colostomy bag to deal with in the morning and sure when we confront the gigolo he’ll just feign Alzeimer’s and potter off.
“Staff see these intrusions as a double edged sword. On the one hand they have a mess to clean up but on the other hand they receive a fleeting respite – especially the foreign girls – from blame as inmates focus their energy on accusing the intruder of the theft of their wedding rings, good cardigans from Guineys and tin-boxed USA biscuits. But that only lasts ’til tea time.”
St. Ledger understands that grannies have their urges, after all, between being abused by staff, most of the inmates only receive the odd visit to fill a grandchild’s birthday card with 20s or from one of those weird undertaker families who visit the elderly with an eye on the will. Occasionally a young friendless Saint Vincent de Paul volunteer in slacks will pop in to network. What she objects to is the lack of regulation in the sector and her inmates having contact with the outside world.
“We’ve taken to ejecting gigolos from the premises, but they’re so hard so spot, especially the real pros. More often than not the cheaper gigolos end up killing our inmates with their lack of finesse. We need to protect our revenue streams. I’ve a mind to wonder if they’re in cahoots with local undertakers. This is way too close to undertakers holidays for my liking and word is they’ve planned a big trip to Vegas this year.
“We used to facilitate this carry on but it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Some of them even die of broken hearts when their fancy man pops out with the promise of picking up the latest Ireland’s Own in the newsagents only to hail a taxi with the cash and blow it all in the nearest bingo den.”
Historically, Drogheda has always been a magnet for burnt out sex workers from Dublin due primarily to her port and a catchment area of famously unfussy Meathmen. As far back as 1725, Mayor Godfrey gave funds for the establishment of a retirement village in Laytown to cater for the town’s swelling population of ageing and destitute sex workers. The Ozanam Homes still stands today as a beacon of compassion to the men and women who have put their bodies on the line for the economic advancement of Drogheda.
“Once there’s a warm hole I don’t mind if the lady has two beards.” – Pop O’Brien, Duleek.
Legal counsel for the nursing homes affected by SGD have filed a civil case for negligence against Ray Hardman while the DPP are preparing a criminal case of wanton manslaughter. Hardman, who also goes by a range of aliases including The Sliver Fox, The Gentle Gigolo and Colonel Romance has gone to ground. Gardaí have confirmed that all bingo halls in counties Louth and Meath are under surveillance. More to follow.