Around the Villages

Plebiscites in Weirhope & Newtown –  Plebiscite fear in Beaulieu View – Tulleyallen Erotic Art Collective do 18 holes – Anti-England youth workshop in Duleek – Holy news from Sandpit & Newtownstallaban – Clogherhead wifi to be blessed – Donore Snedging Fury – Lobinstown homeopathy nonsense – Nun’s Walk athiests go too far.

Weirhope is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word hope from the town land name. Residents cite the closure of the Marsh House pub and daily life under a bridge as the main reasons for the lack of hope in the area.

Weir is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word weir from the town land name. Given that there is no longer a weir in the area, residents think it inappropriate and misleading.

Tulleyallen Erotic Art Collective will host their annual golf outing this coming Saturday at Townley Hall Golf Club. The course will be closed to the public after numerous complaints last year about what constitutes a live erotic golf sculpture and public calls for more clarification on the boundaries between self expression, pornography and art. Tee off at 11am. €25 – €10 discount for undergraduate art students.

Duleek Celtic Supporters Club will be holding a preparatory course in anti-England bile ahead of Sunday’s clash with ‘the auld enemy’ in the Aviva Stadium. Organisers see it as a great opportunity for kids who haven’t yet had the experience of abusing the English in a stadium setting to come along and learn the chants and some Up the RA songs. Nobody wants to witness the indignity of a true Gael not knowing the words to an anti-English chant.

Speakers on the night include branch members who were in Lansdowne Road in February 1995 and weren’t one bit surprised by the antics of the hooligan English fans given the famine and whatnot. Despite peaceful intentions, many members were forced to knock seven bells out of the hooligan Brits before marching them back to the boats with their tail between thesir legs. There will be a collection for ‘the cause’ on the night with donations and amounts being noted.

Sandpit Holy Hour There will be no Holy Hour for the first two weeks in June as Fr. McMurphy has it on good authority that He is taking annual leave and won’t be listening. Prayers can be offered to lesser holy men but there is no guarantee that they will be heard or indeed acted upon.

Lobinstown Homeopathy Sisterhood will be selling their latest elixir at this year’s Drogheda Maritime Festival. The potion, which cures everything from dementia to hemmorhoidic dyslexia, has proven a popular tonic amongst girls who buy scented candles and crystals and lads who are trying to find themselves or get the ride. POA.

Newtown is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word town from the town land name. Given that a town failed to materialise in the area, residents feel it inappropriate and frankly misleading.

New is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word new from the town land name. Given that the area is not new at all, residents feel that it gives a false impression of the area.

Nun’s Walk has been renamed Nun’s Run by a group of militant atheists who have taken over the Residents’ Committee. Any nuns spotted in the street will be chased out by the godless wonders at pace. The no tolerance policy is a direct response to the systematic abuse suffered by fallen women in the many nun run laundries.

Beaulieu View Residents’ Association is to lobby councillors over the cutting down of Beaulieu Woods. Chairwoman Biddy McGee is worried that after the spate of town land renaming plebiscites, her beloved estate will be renamed should the woods be felled and therefore not be visible from Beaulieu View. The only other landmark of consequence visible from the estate is a sandwich making factory. Residents are concerned about house prices and social standing.

Newtownstallaban extends its congratulations to all those who made their First Holy Communions last week. Special praise goes out to all church-shy parents for baptising their little ones so they got into the best schools and didn’t have to worry about mingling with any Educate Together children in general. The parish can confirm that it is in negotiations with The Holy Spirit for a personal appearance at next year’s Confirmations.

Baltray Crime Watchers reported three traveller related incidents last month, two of which were on the television but could easily have happened nearby.

Donore’s Snedging Community reported their disappointment with the gender bias of Stage 7 of the 2015 An Post Rás which finished in Drogheda in May. Chief snedger Jools Ó Cléirigh told local radio that the vast majority of the community was put out by the cost of hiring a mini-bus for the occasion only to find that the race was predominantly male; a fact that scuppered a good day’s snedging. Ó Cléirigh called on An Post to compensate Donore’s snedging community for the cost of the mini bus and for psychological damages.

Clogherhead is to have its wifi signal blessed with Holy Water by Father Silvio.