Sprint in aid of blindness — Sleep Outs for and against gay marriage — Samba walk to Brazil — Councillors to bare all for nude calendar — Cllr. Tully to go homeless (Mon-Thurs) for eight months
Sprint in aid of blindness
Drogheda’s inaugural blind run by the blind in aid of themselves is to take place this Saturday morning commencing at 4.15am. The 5k run was set up by local blind man Squinty McGuirk in response to the Darkness Into Light walk which he finds patronising. “Have they invented new eyes yet? No. Then I can’t see the point of it.”
The sprint starts at the O’Raghallaigh’s GAA club, going down the North Road turning left onto Fair Street proceeding to William Street turning right onto Palace Street with another right onto Laurence’s Street then down West Street and through a dangerous at that time of night Mell before swinging a right at the dangerous intersection onto the Cement Road past the halting site before hanging yet another right and finishing whence it started at the O’Raghallaigh’s GAA Club.
Any visually unimpaired wishing to volunteer can contact Squinty at the number below – foghorn voice and repetition skills essential – regular at the front bar in the Black Bull an advantage. Must not confuse your lefts and their rights and vice versa. Sprinters are encouraged to stop for no one. If in doubt ‘plough through.’
Sponsorship cards are available from Squinty at 083 3452 7956. No guide dogs. Blind and visually impaired only. No laser eye surgery has-beens. All proceeds go towards pints in the early house after.
Sleep Out in aid of gay marraige
Local do-gooders are appealing to like-minded individuals and gays to take part in this year’s June Bank Holiday Sleep Out on West Street. Each year, Drogheda’s most charitable, liberal and photogenic committee members select a cause to sleep out in aid of. Since starting five years ago, the committee have raised awareness of themselves and their causes by staying up all night on Saint Peter’s steps in solidarity with deaf shoplifters, emos, Peter Fitzpatrick’s Dáil effort and the morning after pill [not related]. This year’s sleep out is in aid of gay marriage.
Sleep Out against gay marriage
Local priest-backed Christians are holding a rival Sleep Out against gay marriage on the same night as the Sleep Out in aid of gay marriage. While the pro-gay marriage brigade have bagsies on St. Peter’s steps, it is thought the local priest will override them, having crossed his fingers locksies style behind his back when approached by the group in April. “I’d an inkling they’d be sleeping out in aid of the gays this year so I crossed my fingers just in case,” smugged Fr. Silvio as he confirmed the anti-gay marriage group will indeed be looking down on the pro-gay marriage brigade from St. Peter’s steps.
Samba walk to Brazil
Samba Festival organizers have put this year’s cancellation behind them by focusing on gathering enough funds for 2016. Plans are afoot for a sponsored walk to Rio de Janeiro in time for the Olympic Games. There are three routes open to those wishing to take part. 1) Fly to New York and walk south from there. 2) Walk to Lisbon and get the boat to Brazil [walking the equivalent amount of miles on deck – pedometer provided] or 3) Fly to Rio de Janeiro and walk from the airport to Copacabana. Negotiations are on-going with the Olympic Council of Ireland to have participants represent Ireland at the opening ceremony.
Councillors to bare all for nude calendar
Fundraising continues for the town’s bedraggled councillors this Tuesday as locations for a series of nude shoots across the town have been settled on. The shoot will take place during school hours so as not to corrupt any youths yet to be corrupted. Local artist Fists McKevitt will conduct the shoot after narrowly beating Tulleyallen Erotic Art Collective in a council vote [5-4, Cllr. Cassidy abstaining due to a conflict of interest]. It is hoped that the calendar will be a rival to the popular Jimmy’s People calendar with one councillor commenting that they hoped it would “Knock him off his fucking perch.”
Calendars can be ordered of individual councillors. Most councillors are hoping for a warm day for the shoot. “This is not a dick measuring competition,” insisted a relaxed and confident Cllr. Godfrey, an old hand at this game. A special life-size edition of the Cllr. Bell calendar will be presented to the largest donor.
Cllr. Tully to go homeless (Mon-Thurs) for eight months
Speaking at the launch of the fifth Annual Drogheda Homeless Aid Golf Classic to be held on Friday 19th June 2015, Cllr. Oliver Tully announced his intention to go homeless for eight months. “Sometimes you have to give a little bit back. I’ll be looking for sponsorship from local businesses and it’d be a good opportunity for that new Renua party to show that they aren’t just for rich conservatives. Now this is not a threat but I’ll be taking note of anyone who doesn’t give me money for food or the homeless or ignores me when they see me. I’ll remember who you are and how much you’ve given [taps notebook and pencil].” Cllr. Tully has already purchased a stray dog from Collon Animal Sanctuary who he has named Kev.