Jenkinstown on the Cooley peninsula was the unlikely location for the launch of Sinn Féin’s new green energy white paper. A press conference was called in Dundalk where journalists and political commentators were bussed blindfolded to a magic road somewhere on the Táin Trail.
The assembled hacks were ushered into a trailer and told to wait. Emerging through the sun-roof of a black Mercedes was Sinn Féin candidate for Louth Imelda Munster, who made a show of turning off the ignition and allowing the gathering to move uphill. Amid the startled and panicked gasps, Ms. Munster addressed the assembly.
“As we roll up this hill today in the footsteps of Cú Chulainn I hold in my hand our visionary white paper on green energy. In it is the gold that will deliver us from the austerity blighted upon this country by the September  criminals who voted to support the bank guarantee under pressure from the Bank of England, the ECB and the Queen herself.”
“Too long we have stood by and let successive West Brit governments’ kowtow to Westminster. Well that ends today! This Celtic Tiger will once again sit at the wealthy table. And to those anti-republican ne’er-do-wells who harp on about our lack of wealth creation policies I ask, is this not wealth creation??”
The policy paper, The Magic Road to Recovery: Magic Roads and the End of Austerity, is in fact a fusion of Sinn Féin’s green energy and economic policy. Along with water charges opposition and wealth taxing, it is widely considered the cornerstone of their 2016 election strategy. Under the policy, Ireland would harness the natural power of her roadly magic to eliminate the need for a petroleum based transport system.
Magic roads are a rare natural phenomenon whereby vehicles appear to defy gravity and roll uphill from a stationary position. While geologists, who claim to be backed by the laws of physics, have confirmed that magic roads are merely an optical illusion, republican scientists have declared this conclusion to be wholly false. Sinn Féin claims it has the technology to channel these roads’ magic into Ireland’s infrastructure.
Councillor Munster called into Faa Side Towers this week to chat about the proposal.
You’re very welcome Cllr. Munster. You must be excited.
Go raibh míle maith agus tiocfaidh ár lá. Yes, when I first heard about the potential of our magic roads I felt like the first Arab to hit oil. I simply had to see it for myself and I’ll tell you something – I’m still in awe to be honest.
Can you describe what it’s like to be in the presence of a magic road?
Certainly. If you’ve ever walked up a magic road it feels like you’re walking down it and vice versa. It’s a powerful thing. My body felt like it was affected by bent gravity.
Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of things Councillor, how does it actually work?
I’m glad you asked me that. As we know, magic roads propel vehicles uphill from a stationary position. When the vehicle has traversed the hill it will roll down the non-magic side due to the earth’s gravitational pull. Ergo, by making one side of every hill magic, the need for harmful petroleum based transport is essentially eliminated.
So you’re saying that transport as we know it is about to change?
Fundamentally. When we take power after next year’s elections, we aim to implement our five-year magic road plan. The bottom line is that Magic Road Technology® will have replaced engine-based transport by 2020. Mark my words, in 10 years time the engine will be the preserve of the enthusiast. They’ll be looked at like steam irons, modems, hipster beards, skinny jeans and Crystal Swing.
Will people need to replace their cars or modify them?
Replace? No. But I can see people removing their engines to create more storage space – it will most certainly herald the phasing out of the roof rack.
Ok. So I’m in the car in Drogheda wanting to go for a spin up to Anagassan but the north facing hill isn’t magic. My car won’t roll up the hill of its own accord. What do I do?
That’s an important question. Naturally we would have to landscape a system of hills running parallel in the opposite direction – the construction of which would be a major employment scheme in itself. Again, good news for the economy and even better news for the unemployed.
That makes sense.
It does. We’ve been testing it out on the drumlin belt from Down to Clew Bay and you know what? It actually cuts the commute from Down to Mayo by two hours. It could really open up the west to the modern world.
Your policy will significantly change the topography of the island. Will this have an adverse effect on the environment and the nation’s wildlife?
The landscape will change, sure. That’s the price of progress. When the first republican Gaels arrived on this Fair Isle the country was a giant forest. The rivers were the highways. Under our plan, the hills will be the new highways. We’re just readapting the landscape like those before us. Sometimes you need to revisit the past to map out the future. As regards wildlife? Animals dig hills.
What do you say to geologists who have labeled the plan as ‘pure hokum’?
Geologists are just another example of a biased, anti-republican and anti-Sinn Féin group with an agenda.
But as scientists, aren’t they impartial by nature?
That makes their anti-republican bias all the more shocking. Our party records show that not one geologist has marched against the water charges. Also, a quick look at the birth registrar will confirm that geologists don’t give their children ainmneacha i nGaeilge. Proof enough.
Other countries have tried in vain to harness their power. How have you managed to achieve this? For many it is the elixir of green energy.
We’ve long known that Ireland is home to six of the world’s eleven magic roads. Exactly how we’ve managed to channel their power…well obviously I can’t tell you that! It’s a secret as closely guarded as the Coca Cola recipe. But I can tell you this. Think of the magic road like a wifi signal. The farther away you are from one of the natural magic roads, the weaker the anti-gravitational forces. We’ve found a way to boost their signal whilst not losing any of the power. Some might call it alchemy. We call it republican science.
This sounds like a silly question even in my head but does the technology involve magic conducting paint?
Em. No no, of course not. It is much more complex. It involves difficult science.
This plan must have received opposition from the petroleum industry?
Like all new technologies entering the market. The established forces will seek to undermine it through their traditional mechanisms of power. We expect it. We’re well used to it!
Do you expect this breakthrough to be well received by some of your core voters in mid and north Louth? Will this not hurt their traditional diesel laundering enterprises?
Firstly, I can only outline my party’s policies; I am not responsible for who supports them. We plan an extensive DIFE based retraining programme, where valuable skills and experience gained in the diesel laundering sciences can be reforged to work in the exciting new area of Magic Road Technology®. This is a magic table from which everyone can eat.
That’s a positive attitude Councillor. However, concern has been expressed in some quarters that ‘provo riche’ splinter groups in the border region may adapt their diesel smuggling technology to siphon magic out of the country. Can you address those concerns?
Firstly, I can only outline my party’s policies; I am not responsible for who supports them. Smuggling diesel over the border is one thing. But let me assure you, smuggling magic is a different pipe of petrol. Diesel is a liquid that responds well to being smuggled. In that way it’s stable. But magic by its very nature is unpredictable and criminals don’t like surprises.
Can you respond to rumours that DIFE is in line to become the world centre of magic road research and development and that Drogheda is finally going to get one over on Dundalk, economically?
As a Drogheda woman myself, I’m proud to announce that our local third level institute will be our partner in leading the way in Magic Road Technology®. Drogheda will become the global renewable energy hub. I can see our children’s children living in a region so rich it will want to break away from Louth and become an independent republican autarky.
Just a quick question to finish Councillor. Can you cycle against gravity?
Anyone who has tried to go up the downward escalator in a shopping centre will know what I mean. It would be very difficult but not impossible.
Thank you very much for your time Councillor. Good luck in the election.