Callanstown? Munsterboice? Louth election race hots up as candidates seek to rename villages – Byrne sweats as Celtic Tiger Era Councillors/Urban Planners to go on trial for crimes against eyes – Eamonn Ceannt Way or Shanks Godfrey Way? – Council deliberates renaming dual carriageway from bus depot to Bridge of Peace
Callanstown? Munsterboice? Louth election race hots up as candidates seek to rename villages
Rural residents of Louth could soon wake up in a different village than they went asleep in through no fault of their own. The denizens of what will soon be Callan, Tullycallan and Callanstown have until yesterday to appeal proposals fast tracked through the county Placenames Committee by Cllr. Kevin Callan. By the time they are reading this it will be too late. The ex-potential Renua candidate sees renaming Collon, Tullyallen and Tallanstown as a key part of his election strategy.
With the opening salvo of the 2015 election now fired, Cllr. Callan is confident of staying ahead of the pack. The councillor sees himself as well placed for the campaign ahead. After what some are calling a politically savvy (others crassly blatant) move away from Fine Gael at the height of the water charges protests, Cllr. Callan embarked on a media blitzkrieg that has firmly imprinted his face on the mind’s eye of Drogheda’s ever suffering population.
Locals from the former Tallanstown were enthusiastic about the change of name. Unemployed tiler Gareth McGeogh explained. “Well now sure don’tint the benefits vastly outweigh the negatives? And sure old Tallan himself is long dead. The village won’t know itself sure. ”
Tidy Town committee organiser Bridget O’Hanlon also lent her support. “After winning 1st prize in the 2010 Tidy Towns, Tallanstown has been boxed in. Unless we expand to a town we can’t move to the next level. So I’ve no doubts the international airport that Cllr. Callan has promised us will get us there. He has our vote.”
Soft spoken Mid Louth is one matter; South Louth another. Far from unifying the southern belt behind him, the move has united the two bitter communities of Collon Callan and Tulleyallen Tullycallan against the ex-Fine Gael candidate. Temporarily shelving centuries of internecine feuding, the former villages of Collon and Tullyallen have agreed in principle to fight against the changes as one. Leading the opposition are unlikely bedfellows Cllr. Oliver Tully and Tullyallen Erotic Art Collective while Collon Badger Cullers Co-op have made their dispatching skills available should they be needed.
Cllr. Tully, after whom the village is jointly named, is vehemently opposed to any name changes.
“Tullyallen has a proud and noble heritage. While I can’t think of anything it is famous for off the top of my head, it is a fine village and I’m proud to have it named in my honour. While I’m here I’d just like to give a warning to Cllr. Bell – If you petition Louth County Council to rename Baltray as Belltray you’ll have me to deal with…physically.”
Councillor Tully is no stranger himself to changing place names in order to get elected to office. Along with Tullyallen, the 1990s saw Cllr. Tully rename Esker hill after himself and can often be seen hiking up there to survey his dominion from ahigh and make sure the areas anti-traveller rocks are still in place.
But perhaps more significant is the renaming of Monasterboice as Munsterboice. Cllr. Imelda Munster, fresh from delivering some rousing rebel rhetoric on the Maash Road at Easter, is confident of being the second Sinn Féin TD elected in Louth. When LMFM heard the news the news presenter hit the panic button which played the following announcement mixed with klaxon on an irreversible loop causing the station to change frequency to 95.85.
This is not a rehearsal. Monasterboice has fallen to the Shinners. Monasterboice has fallen to the Shinners. Stay calm. Help is coming.
Byrne sweats as Celtic Tiger Era Councillors/Urban Planners to go on trial for crimes against eyes
A file has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) by Gardaí investigating Drogheda Borough Councillors and urban planners for visual crimes committed against the concepts of architecture and urban planning in the town of Drogheda during the Celtic Tiger. The accused are to stand trial for a list of heinous visual crimes inflicted on the eyes of Droghedians and the occasional lost tourist. The main charge revolves around the botched pedestrianisation of West Street, where poor dictionary skills led to a fundamental misunderstanding of the word. This resulted in a road being put down the middle of the street, an outcome the initial blueprints had planned to avoid. Related charges include alleged abnormalities in the awarding of the design to the ugliest application though this may be just a case of indecent levels of bad taste and incompetence by those awarding the contract.
The charges hold a minimum sentence of 7 years and it is believed that judge Bran Flannen has instructed Gardaí to confiscate the passports of all councillors active during the boom. The charge sheet reads like one of Prince Charles’s bad dreams and names a host of cheap looking redbrick buildings including the car park off Dyer Street and the monstrosity that houses the moribund Xtravision store. A statute of limitations has prevented the DPP from pursuing those responsible for the Abbey Shopping Centre and the Post Office – once likened to the Kremlin by a confused Cllr. Godfrey.
One councillor who reaped the rewards of the Celtic Tiger had this to say. “This is preposterous. Why should we be held accountable? We are merely a reflection of the society that elects us. It’d be a fool who’d stand here and say that those buildings won’t stand the test of time. Guy de Maupassant and Alexandre Dumas protested against the, and I quote ‘useless and monstrous Eiffel Tower.’ And how wrong were they? Very.”
Council deliberates renaming dual carriageway from bus depot to Bridge of Peace
After recently released government files revealed that 1916 Easter Rising hero Eamonn Ceannt’s dying wish was to have any future dual carriageways between any future bus depots and bridges named after peace in Drogheda 99 years after his execution, Cllr. Alan Cassidy (SF) plans to make this wish a reality, allowing the executed rebel rest in peace. However, although the motion was seconded, Drogheda Borough Council are yet to make a decision. Mr. Ceannt’s dying wish may yet be scuppered by the indefatigable Cllr. Godfrey, who it is said will not stand in the way of the road being named Shanks Godfrey Way.