Official mayor portrait to be unveiled

Mayor Callan by troubled local artist Fists McKevitt

Illegal cigarette traders in Bolton Square market breathed a wheeze of relief this afternoon as Mayor Callan declared himself happy with his official portrait. Traders can now concentrate on hawking their illegal Chinese knock-off fags without having to worry about Drogheda’s first citizen walking around the market and asking questions from his horse.

The mayor has enjoyed a special bond with the common man since he freed himself from the shackles of party politics after resigning from Fine Gael over water charges.  Advisers to the mayor advocated Callan capitalise on his popularity with the electorate by pandering to voters ahead of next year’s expected general election.

Speaking on local radio, Mayor Callan’s chief political adviser, a woman, explained the setting for the portrait.

Some people might just see a man wearing bling in a suit on a horse in a market. But we’re interested in what it symbolises. When the viewer looks at a painting his eyes see one thing but all sorts of things are going on in the mind that the eyes don’t even know about yet. The minds eye if you will…

We feel this portrait captures Mayor Callan perfectly. Yes it’s a little unorthodox but then you don’t get to be Mayor of Drogheda without thinking outside of the box…

You’ll notice that the horse is white. This is no coincidence. Our focus groups identify Mayor Callan as a pure, principled man. The horse demonstrates both power and a deeply felt affinity with the farming community while at the same time displaying solidarity with the town’s more deprived areas…

The setting of the market highlights the mayor’s friendliness towards enterprise and his continued support to the man trying to get ahead in these uncertain economic times which are nothing to do with him. So back Mayor Callan. He’s one of you.

The Mayor posed for esteemed local artist Fists McKevitt for five consecutive Saturday mornings during the market. Fists’ unwavering demands for perfection caused resentment among local fruit & veg and flower sellers as he insisted that the same produce be on display every week so as to recreate the initial scene and help him concentrate. The artist compensated the traders from his own pocket such is the measure of the man.

Local market union leader Barney Kieransis said he wished the Mayor well but admitted that while the mayor’s presence had resulted in a higher than average footfall, fewer sales were being made and less money was changing hands.

A market place is like a fragile eco-system. You can’t just come in on a horse and trample over things. The first to go are the illegal cigarette sellers, the knock on from that is that the knock-off DVD lads leave and before you know it the guys selling shit picture frames and washing powder have upped sticks. In short, our main earners will have fucked off to another market.

The portrait of Mayor Callan will be officially unveiled next week as part of his campaign to be Grand Master of the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. It can then be viewed in the Tholsel free of charge.

Mayor Callan by troubled local artist Fists McKevitt
Mayor Callan by troubled local artist Fists McKevitt