News in Brief: Danger on Maash Road, Council buys gritting pepper and more Shanks

Portal to Netherworld found in Marsh House cellar

The Maash House, a local pub on the Maash Road, has been closed down after renovation works uncovered a long sealed portal to the underworld. Builders refused to continue working in the hellish conditions as the banging behind the cast iron gates became louder and carried a menace far beyond their payscale and health insurance. The portal is the second known entry point to Hell in the Drawda region. The Widow Murphy’s was also built on such a portal but a joint effort from the local Borough Council, priests and a secret society of gatekeepers have kept the portal shut for the past 158 years.

The owners of the Marsh House acted quickly and responsibly by sealing the cellar in a controlled explosion and immediately boarding up the pub. Parish exorcist Fr. Paul has been guarding the portal with his crucifix while a more experienced team arrive from Rome to extinguish any threat from the horned beast Beelezebub.

Council buys 10 tonnes of gritting pepper

A shortage of gritting salt in the region has seen Louth County Council implement its Winter Action Plan B, the purchase of 10 tonnes of pepper from local specialists Pepper Me Silly. With a foreseen seasonal cold snap exhausting meagre salt reserves, Louth has been particularly hard hit.

“The close proximity to Louth of the national Tayto factory has understandably seen a shortage in local salt reserves,” explained a Meath-blaming County Council spokesperson. An unexpected increase in popularity of Tayto’s Salt n’ Vinegar crisp is thought to have impacted on the county’s low salt reserves. “This is Meath sneakiness at its most underhand,” snarled the same spokesperson.

Calmer heads believe that Tayto’s move from traditional sea salt to gritting salt is behind the sales increase, not a concerted effort by Meath folk to undermine Louth County Council’s credibility. Defending the purchase of pepper as a substitute for gritting salt, Shinnerbot Cllr. Monster insisted that the Council was doing a great job, “Isn’t pepper better than nothing? Do you want us to put hot water on the roads the night before so they don’t freeze?”

Drogheda Independent Photoshopping Shanks out of pics for years, says ex-employee

An embittered ex-employee of local paper of record, the Drawda Indo, has claimed that the paper has been Photoshopping Cllr. Godfrey out of news photos for the past 14 years.  The process started when the publicity hungry politician began cropping up in photographs that had nothing to do with him, unnerving all those involved. DI photographers thought that the councillor had somehow tampered with their cameras, installing an invisible hologram on their lenses. But this is untrue. Cllr. Godfrey just happens to have his thumb on the public pulse. It’s called being good at your job. However true this may be, the ex-employee, who does not want to be identified, revealed it cost at least one sports photographer his job. The councillor began appearing in the midst of the action at local GAA and soccer matches as well as Laytown races.

 The DI media department finally had enough in 2001 when they requested Adobe develop and preinstall facial recognition software in an effort to reduce the man hours involved in Stalinising photos. Nowadays facial recognition is par for the course, but back then it was in its infancy, a dream in a geek’s head. Today’s DI has a filter in place that only allows a maximum of 5 pictures of the councillor per edition. The high cost of the personalised software has meant that the DI’s rival the Drawda Leader, has been unable to avail of the software.