The Faa Side Investigates: Nuns suspended for lacing communion with sin

A selection of sin heavy communion confiscated at Mell church.

The cloistered life of the Sienna nuns was briefly shocked from silence this morning as two of their superfluity were suspended without prayer. Two young nuns are accused of lacing communion wafers with terrible sins. Being a silent order, the two alleged saboteurs were ordered off convent grounds by what one onlooker described as “a game of cruel charades.” The wafers had been circulating in St. Peter’s parish, Drogheda, for three weeks.

Local mass goers had been commenting on the satisfying chunkiness of the Eucharist. That chunkiness is now known to have been caused by excess sin. It appears that the method of receiving communion also had an effect with tongue takers worse afflicted.

The deceit was discovered thanks to a new sin measuring initiative by the Archbishop of Armagh. It was decided at an ecumenical jamboree last June to roll out a pilot scheme in selected parishes in the diocese. Due to its interesting geographical position (bordering the savage diocese of quasi-pagan Meath), Drogheda was one of those selected as it would provide challenging data and test security filters and safeguards. It was anticipated that mass goers from Meath would take the body of Christ in Meath but come to Drogheda to do their sinning.

Confession boxes were fitted with electronic recording devices. Their purpose was twofold; firstly to record and categorise the type of sin being committed and secondly to measure the physical reaction of the priest. Heart rate, breathing, blush colour as well as rapid transfer of blood to the nether regions were collated.

Sr. Eunice Consepta injecting sins into communion wafers

At first the IT monks at Collon monastery believed the huge spike in sin to be a glitch in the system. However, on calling to St. Peter’s church it soon became apparent to the IT monks that there were no technical issues whatsoever. This was a code red tsinami.

“We knew straight away it wasn’t an IT problem,” explained Brother Seamus. “We could hear all sorts of ‘Ah holy Gods’ coming from the confession boxes. Father Jim was pacing around a statue of the Virgin chanting ‘Lord bless us and save us… Lord bless us and save us.’” It was a scene repeated throughout the holy houses of Drogheda last week.

This was not the only warning sign that sin had quaffed a flagon of craft cider and was making a beeline to hell in a speedboat with his pants off. Fr. Cormac and Fr. Bob were both taken to A&E after recent confessions suffering from acute priapism, palpitational mortification and burst cheeks, the result of sudden, violent blushing. It was at this stage that servants rang the alarm bells at the Archbishop Martin’s palace. His holiness realized there was a problem. But what, pray?

All became clear after an unannounced inspection at 6.15pm Mell mass on Saturday by the Communion Wafer Watchdog of Ireland (CWWI). The CWWI are the independent body that regulates communion in Ireland. They can turn up unannounced during mass and take random wafers for testing. While their main focus concerns transubstantiation, CWWI testers are also obliged to test for sin levels, staleness and gluten. The results sent shockwaves throughout the northeastern bearded deity worshipping community. Unhealthy dosages of sin were detected. But worse was to follow – traces were found of sins yet to be approved by the Catholic churches Black Ops sin testing unit.

European regulation

Holyhost
Notice how the sin-filled wafers clump together

Communion wafers fall under the same strict directives as any other dangerous commodity within the European Union. Just as the alcohol in beer and the nicotine in cigarettes are regulated, so too is the sin level in communion wafers. Jesus mandarins and laymen capitalists were quick to realize that they went hand in glove; one useless without the other. A dog without a bone, a scroat without a tracksuit, a socialite without a sunbed. As society has evolved, the EU has ordered the removal of some sins from the communion list (pretending there is nobody home when the travellers call, plain old gayness, divorce, use of coital sheaths, abortion, rationality, fun). The church has fought these directives relic and nail and in some less developed fringes of the continent, such practices are still widespread.

History

Nuns have been baking communion wafers in these parts since St. Brigid

Sienna nuns at the coronation of Napoleon Bonaparte (top balcony)
Sienna nuns at the coronation of Napoleon Bonaparte (top balcony)

was frigid. The Sienna nuns are known throughout Christendom as the producers de rigueur of the holy host. Ever since a delegation from the convent won the supply contract to the coronation of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1804, the nuns of Sienna have been the standard that all Eucharists aspire to. Quila Rapax (Rapacious Eagle) or Pope Pius VII to the ignorant, was said to have doffed his mitre in approval, setting the papal gossip circuit into overdrive and firmly establishing the Sienna nuns as top cats in the cutthroat world of communion wafer supply. In order to stay relevant, the nuns have always moved with the times. With globalization introducing the average Droghedian to a whole host of new gods to be á la carte with, it is important to stay ahead of the competition.

Black ops and the dark net

Drogheda treasure Johnny Logan once mused aloud in Kieransis butchers that to get to the top is the easy part; it is the staying there that is the hard bit so it is. Head nun, Sister Monica de Vil, is no stranger to the zeitgeist and regularly uses her contacts on the dark net to test out new sins and wafer recipes. This is how the Sienna nuns came in contact with a special focus group of ‘black op’ priests who self-test the sins to ensure they meet regulation standards set out by the church.

A selection of sin heavy communion confiscated at Mell church.
A selection of sin heavy communion confiscated at Mell church.

Speaking exclusively to The Faa Side, black op head honcho Fr. Excalibur Sanchez from Ardee had this to say.

“Society changes and what constitutes a sin also changes. New vices emerge all the time. It is our duty to hold these sins up to scrutiny, question their validity. Are they sins at all? Might they not be sins in certain circumstances? I give you an example. A parishioner of mine said to me,

“– Father, is it a sin to masturbate in a wet suit while gorging on whiskey at the Chipperfield circus in Bettystown while high on a cocktail of narcotics bought on the street from the ulcered stomach of a destitute but spanking hot 16 year old Bolivian drugs mule for less than the cab fare to a hospital?

 “Now, it is easy to cast judgment. What we do is experience the sin for ourselves. We live the sin, in effect becoming the sin for a brief weekend. Then, we add different variables to the equation. What if the sinner was drinking a Singapore Sling and not whiskey? What if the drugs mule was from Sweden and not Bolivia? What if the circus was the Cirque de Soleil in Las Vegas not the Chipperfield in Bettystown and the sinner had front row seats to a private Siegfried & Roy albino tiger show but all the original variables remained in place? You see, the list is endless. It is an exhausting vocation and takes a certain type of priest. It is not for everyone.

“But the most important thing is that our parishioners get just the right level of sin and that they know that whatever sin they get at Sunday mass has been rigorously tested by dedicated men of the cloth. Compared to some of the sins that were committed in Drogheda, the above example makes a Caligulan orgy look like Sunday mass before Vatican II. It is important to get the right balance. We want our customers to feel just enough guilt to come back for more. Maybe the nuns were under pressure. Quotas must be filled and there are fines for non-compliance. We are an industry like any other.”

 Meanwhile

Sister Nuala Bernadette being flung from the convent
Sister Nuala Bernadette being flung from the convent

Latae sententiae has been invoked by the order upon budding nuns Sister Eunice Consepta, 56, and Sister Nuala Bernadette, 63. Both are prohibited from wearing their costumes or praying during the internal investigation though they are permitted to work in the convent shop colouring in religious icons and cards as well as carrying out vital needlework.

They face a minimum of 700 daily rosaries each, a penalty that could rise to perpetuity if found guilty of malfeasance and wantonly inciting the lay community to sin too much. A papal bull has been issued warning against lighting candles for the duo while the investigation is ongoing for fear of prejudicing the trial in the eyes of the Lord. Canon lawyers are eager for a smooth witch hunt and are thought to be taking all necessary steps to avoid a mistrial. Altar boys have been put on commission to blow out candles lit for the Sienna Two. The trial is set for April. It is mooted to take place in the Marsh House pub, the closest open portal to hell in the region.

Next week:

EXCLUSIVE: MY WEEK OF BI-SEXUAL SODOMY HELL IN DUNLEER – Anti-abortionist campaigner Carlito Burns tells us his story.

JUNKIE TALES – Old Tom ‘Horse’ Kieransis’ lost weekend in a Rosevale opium den – How one bad communion triggered a relapse.

Undercover with Fr. Excalibur as he begs the question How bad a sin is a 36 hour romp with Ms. Rio de Janeiro, Ms. Brazil and Ms. Amazonas? Post fieldwork debrief.

‘I ate Twix in Tesco and didn’t pay for it after taking communion in the Lourdes. Am I damned to Hell?’ Our resident agony uncle Basil answers your questions.