News in Brief: Tidbits from around Drawda

Some news you may have missed:

Barber banter down 22% on last year—Drogheda bridge club a breeding ground for gamblers says Tully—15th hole the latest hole to be stolen from Cement pitch & putt

Barber banter down 22% on last year

Concerns were raised at the annual AGM of Drawda barbers after an internal review revealed that barber banter had fallen 22% during the 2013 cutting year. Quality of banter also fell with 72% of adult men with head hair needing cutting said they were weary of the usual ‘Any plans for the weekend?’ and ‘Working hard, buddy?’ Drogheda Barbery Guild (DBG) announced plans to enter the Barber Banter Exchange Programme. The programme, which is part funded by the European Union, allows barbers to experience banter from around Europe.

Guided by their internal review, the DBG nominated employees from The Green Man to be the first to avail of the programme. It is hoped that exposure to other cultures will lessen the amount of Sinn Féin talk and introduce more traditional forms of banter which revolve around big tits and football.

Drogheda bridge club a breeding ground for gamblers says Tully

Louth County Councillor Olivier Tulley this week condemned Drogheda bridge club as a breeding ground for gamblers. Tulley’s claims will come as a surprise for the bridge club community as it is an open secret that the club is merely a social gathering for retired swingers. Responding to the allegation, bridge club chairperson Cindy Hardwood suggested that Cllr. Tulley was confused. Our gambling days are long behind us… This Olivier is welcome to play with us any time,” she giggled before returning to prune some pampas grass.

15th hole the latest hole to be stolen from Cement pitch & putt

Cement Pitch & Putt Club has been closed after the theft of the 15th hole. The theft occurred some time between 3.30pm and 10am on Friday last. The latest theft has come only a week after the 7th hole was lifted in a daring daylight raid. Club president Sausages Rafferty was incredulous and immediately singled out the new Togher P&P club as the most likely culprit. Rafferty has consulted Google Earth and been in touch with the Gardaí about the thefts. “I’ve been around all the courses in the area and counted all the holes,” said Rafferty. “They’ll have to use them sooner or later and when they do we’ll be waiting.” Gardaí have dispatched their helicopter and a garda trained in use of the binoculars to investigate.