Families and friends of sick patients in our Lady of Lourdes Hospital have been eulogizing the newly introduced valet service at the hospital car park. There had been widespread complaints about the scandalously high parking fees of €4 with a full day capped at €20. Car owners visiting poorly relatives were literally getting sick when hit with the parking fee on their way out. They’d just struggle back over to A&E and get put on a trolley further compounding the escalating hospital bed problem but leading to a HSE revenue spike.
The valet service has been introduced as a concession to visitors with the extent of the valet depending on the severity of the illness of the visitee. Visitors to the terminally ill are entitled to the full shebang while visitors to the intensive care unit receive the same service but with a slightly less powerful vacuum and jet wash. At the lower end of the scale, out patients get their windows washed and those who were well enough to drive themselves to A&E get a quick dust off with a jay cloth.
Speaking before the valet service was introduced, local man Christie Black spoke to the Faa Side.
“Me mate Lugs is up in the Luurdes with scrotal Ebola. He’s is agony so he is but I’m fucked if I’m paying that to paak me caa. He can go an’ get his own 7Up the prick wha.”
Since the complimentary valeting service has been introduced by the HSE, Christie has nothing but praise for the new system.
“Bleedin’ rapery it was paying €4 an hour to see a sick mate. But fair play to the hopsital, they do do a good clean of the caa. Ine even leavin’ me wourk slacks and shurt in the back seat. The lads do iron them for me. I been visiting Lugser every day this week. We were only really acquaintances but we might even become good friends after this though I’m not sure if I want him to get better!”
Parking attendants have been instructed not to admit tractors or combine harvesters onto the hospital grounds. Once word of the valet system got around, farmers from the hinterlands were arriving in farm machinery.
Touts have established themselves at the gates of the Lourdes, selling the names of patients. €10 will get you the name of someone with a superbug, while deals can be struck for those with larger vehicles which may take more time to clean, such as articulated lorries.
“There is clearly someone on the inside providing these vermin with the names of hospital patients,” said chief security man Dinny Reilly. To receive the valet service, visitors must provide the name of a patient at the parking booth.
The new park n’ valet system was the brainchild of the Minister of Health, Leo Varadkar.