News in Brief: A round up of news from the Drogheda area

 The stories that got the town gossiping this week included:

Drogheda Independent warned by NUJ after Peter Andre story—North Quay water excavations show Constitution Hill used to be ‘magic road’—Ardee Nazis chastised by local Drogheda branch for incorrectly drawn swastikas—Search for souls intensifies as Augustinian’s purchase decapitated head of Saint Paul

Drogheda Independent warned by NUJ after Peter Andre story

The Drogheda Independent has received a verbal warning from the National Union of Journalists (NUJ) after forcing a journalist to write a story about a ginger weight loss coach meeting walking Australian cringe monkey Peter Andre. “Journalists are people too, and they deserve humane working conditions like any other profession,” said a statement released by the NUJ.

 The story, a blatant plug to get fat people from Ardee to stop stuffing their cake holes with cheap sausage rolls from Lidl, was deemed unbecoming of an established local newspaper. The NUJ also warned that they were counting the amount of Frank Godfrey non-stories the paper was publishing. The latest story about one of Cllr. Godfrey’s hens sleeping in a tree due to the existence of foxes caused particular displeasure within the union.

North Quay water excavations show Constitution Hill used to be ‘magic road’

Local works to fix the eternally burst pipe on the North Quay have made a startling discovery. Much to the chagrin of residents in the Newfoundwell area, works were halted at lunchtime on Monday leaving toilets unflushed and sending school children home. Archaeologists were called in as pipes dug up on Constitution Hill showed signs of being affected by the forces of a magic road.

 It is documented that there was indeed a magic road outside the town walls at St. Laurence’s Gate in medieval times but it was thought the road was sold to a wealthy Anglo-Norman lord in Cooley. King George III’s first act as monarch in 1761 was to remove all of Ireland’s magic roads for storage in the Pale. It is possible that one was forgotten about and over time buried and passed out of living memory. A geological survey is to be carried out and Drogheda Borough Council are confident that the findings will show that the magic road is the cause of the frequent burst pipes thus absolving them of responsibility and working as a useful sideshow to bury their cack-handed efforts hiring a decent plumber.

 Ardee Nazis chastised by local Drogheda branch for incorrectly drawn swastikas

The Drogheda League of Nazis has chastised its Ardee branch for a second botched attempt at drawing swastikas in 18 months. The swastikas, which faced the wrong way, were painted on bridges, roads and gateways from Shanlis, Ardee to Mantastown near Lobinstown.

 Drogheda Nazi Oberst-Gruppenführer Joey O’Goebbels apologized for the badly drawn swastikas but maintained that the badly drawn stars of David that accompanied them had nothing to do with his organization.

“The fact that our members are unsure of the right way to draw a swastika is a damning indictment on the state of the history cirriculum in this country,” he deflected, before deadpanning “We have no beef with the Jews. I actually have four Jew friends.”

 It was the second time in 18 months that the Ardee branch have cocked up their Nazi swastika graffiti. In May 2013 several similar swastikas were discovered on a bridge near Newtown. That time, O’Goebbels blamed Drogheda’s Indian community, citing that the swastikas facing that way were well known Hindu markings.

 Local Councillor Paddy Meade condemned the graffiti before reminding the community of his worth. “It’s frustrating because I managed to get extra funding for roads and we are now looking at a repair bill for this.” The Nazis have always been a menace.

Search for souls intensifies as Augustinian’s purchase decapitated head of Saint Paul

The spectacular decline in mass going Catholics in recent times has seen local churches outdoing each other in a shrinking soul market. The Dominicans recently installed a blessed life size wax work of a dead French nun-saint. However this proved too little too late as that establishment has been earmarked for closure, despite various ill thought out hunger strikes.

 The Augustinian congregation, perhaps fearing a similar fate, has this week outbid a number of churches and two cathedrals for what is reputed to be the head of Saint Paul. Eyebrows were raised in ecclesiastical circles as to where the Augustinians got their money. The rumour mill is ripe with stories that a rich benefactor bishop has defected from the Russian Orthodox Church.

It is thought that Bishop Abramahović had been on the lookout for a church to invest in and had long seen the Irish market as one with amazing potential.  Bishop Abramahović  was present as Father Iggy received a standing ovation on his last homily in Drawda. It is thought that the bishop has invested heavily in the Drogheda church. Church watchers have warned that the investment will be a game changer and forever alter the landscape of churchery in Ireland.

The new priest that is not Father Iggy explained on local radio. “We hope to triple basket donations over the coming months. Saint Paul’s head is said to cure a range of diseases from your standard leprosy and tropical dyslexia to more complex viruses like bubonic plague. Nobody in Ireland who has prayed to the head has ever suffered from these diseases.”

A source close to the Marists in Dundalk confirmed that the order were courting a doubting Muslim Sheik with a view to conversion and ultimately investment. “Dundalk cannot be left behind. If we don’t seek investment we will get left behind by our rivals in Drogheda,” declared Monsignor Donohue.

The head is to go on display after a spectacular indoor firework display in  the Augustinian church on Holy Thursday.