Moneymore Residents Association Vows Violent Secession

Moneymore. Photo:

Moneymore Inhabitants & Residents Association (MIRA) last night vowed that their proposed secession from Drogheda will be as violent as possible. In a video seen by The Faa Side, a balaclavad MIRA spokesperson announced the intention to secede from Drogheda and join Dundalk and place themselves nearer to ‘the struggle’. Ultimately, MIRA aspire to be annexed by the Brits so they can then fight for independence to join the Republic of Ireland.

 The decision was taken at last month’s AGM during which militant elements staged a classic coup d’état. MIRA outfoxed the traitorous protestant-loving non-Celtic jersey wearing peacenik wing of the residents association through the classic republican deployment of intimidation, violent threats of violence, violence, and scary use of the northern accent.

 The announcement was welcomed by armchair republicans across the town who have long felt that Dundalk has gotten too much credit for its part in ‘the struggle’.

 A straw poll conducted by this outlet showed that the overwhelming majority of the town would welcome the Moneymore secession. The lone dissenting voice came from Drogheda United grounds man Wolfe Tone O’Reilly, whose livelihood could be threatened by the development. Mr. O’Reilly is employed to fetch the footballs that are booted out of United Park/O2 Park/Hunky Dory Park/Lack of Dignity Park before they are pilfered by Moneymorish youths.

 The Faa Side contacted MIRA on behalf of Mr. O’Reilly. MIRA agreed that it was not its intention to cause unemployment but if that is what happened then it was clearly the fault of the Brits. It is predicted that the vacuum created by Moneymorish youths now only stealing balls booted out of Oriel Park will be filled by youths from The Twenties before the start of the new season. Local funding is to be sought by The Twenties to train youths in the removal and sale on the black market of footballs. Speaking on local radio, Moneymore drugs kingpin Dangerous Dave said that he was sure some arrangement could be arrived at, be it outsourcing the ball theft to another estate or by putting Mr. O’Reilly on his payroll, as he likes to give a bit back to the community.

 Gardaí are expected to make a statement on the secession on Friday.